Aftermath

Things about moving that I am looking forward to

2012-01-15T15:37:00.000-08:00

Being able to see my son and his family regularly

Having my own room again

Two bathrooms

A working dishwasher

Washer and dryer in the house- no more carrying baskets of laundry across an apartment complex

Being able to use my b-b-q again. Mine is in the backyard and we arent allowed to b-b-q in our yards anymore- We have to bring the b-b-q out into the courtyard and b-b-q there. Mine is too big to move thru the apartment easily- we have to move furniture to get it in and out

Mago

2012-01-10T21:08:00.000-08:00

I've been to your blog several times since you changed the format. I can find where to post a response on it anywhere. I am reading, I just cant write there

Merry Christmas

2011-12-22T14:14:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas Everyone! I am actually doing ok this Christmas which is kinda surprising considering that it is still the time of year that I lost my life partner and I am off meds right now. I was taking Saphris and before that Cymbalta and I gained 40 pounds over the summer so I am off meds for a while , hoping that I can lose some weight. That hasnt happened yet but I haven't gained anymore so that is good.

I am moving to Nevada in a couple months probably. My son is hoping for February. If not February then March probably. He has gotten approved to buy a house and is working on the paperwork now. That means that I will have the mobile home and we will all be moving to a totally different place. I am hoping that this move will prove to be a good thing for us all and I am looking forward to being able to see my son and his family regularly instead of just once or twice a year.

I hope that you are all well and happy and that you have great holidays. I will try to be more conscientous ( dont know how to spell that) about writing next year.

I'm back

2011-09-09T17:36:00.000-07:00

Hi , I'm back. After my Mom died I just didn't have anything to say that I felt I could post. I have basically been very quiet for quite a while now. However I checked my blog tracker the other day and I have dropped from nearly 300 visitors a month to 26 and I figure those 26 are my good friends and they care enough to keep checking back so I should post and let em know I am still here and I care.

I will most likely be moving to Nevada sometime after the New Year. Can't say if it will be a month or a year before I go. My son is working on buying a house and when he succeeds he is giving me his mobile home. I will only have to pay $300 a month space rent so that will give me a little more financial room every month. I am not really doing well financially right now. Everything just keeps getting more expensive and my income is less than it was not more

My daughter is pregnant and they will be delivering the baby by c-section on the 5th or 7th of November. Its a boy.

Well its not alot but its an update and a start to "speaking" again. I hope you are all well and happy.

2011-05-17T22:39:00.000-07:00

Friday we disconnected the life support. Sunday my Mother died. On my birthday.

here is what is happening

2011-05-14T12:33:00.000-07:00

My mom had a major stroke followed by a minor heart attack. She hasn't opened her eyes or spoken or shown any sign of awareness in a week. Her heart is failing. She has major damage due to the stroke. She never wanted to be on machines but my stepdad didn't know that so he let them put in a respirator only knowing he didn't want his wife to die. She wasn't breathing on her own, the machine was breathing for her. Yesterday we removed the respirator. We prepared ourselves, armed ourselves with kleenex and shed no few tears as they removed the machine. Then......my Mom was breathing on her own, just laying there and snoring. I talked to the nurse and she said she has seen people go in 5 minutes or 5 days when taken off a respirator, so the worst is still to come......It was a very emotional day.

2011-05-11T18:38:00.000-07:00

My Mama is dying!!!!!

2011-05-10T22:28:00.000-07:00

So my mom has had a stroke now on top of everything else. OH and they found that she had two broken ribs too. She hasn't woken up for 3 days now. Two more days and they will put in a feeding tube...... I'm afraid my mom isn't gonna wake up...

update on Mom

2011-05-04T19:52:00.000-07:00

My mom has more problems than we knew. Her arteries in her neck are clogged up. 95% in one and 60% in the other. She also needs a heart valve. SHe is confused in her speech. She tries very hard to communicate but the words coming out sometimes dont make sense. For example she is trying to get out of bed (she cant walk) and I ask her what she wants. She says "glass from the refrigerator". There is no refrigerator and no glass, we are in a hospital. On one of these occasions it turned out she wanted to be slid higher on the bed but others we dont know what she was trying to say. She hands us a notepad and says "thorn it". When we dont understand she pronounces thorn very slowly as if that will make a difference. Then she gets frustrated that we dont understand.This is all rather frightening. It could be that shes not getting enough blood to her brain from the blockages in her neck or it could be she has dementia or alzheimers or something going on. She needs surgeries to correct that and her heart valve but they wont do them until she has Medi-cal ( Medicaid in many states) and she had no birth certificate or ID> We've got the birth certificate but I dont see how we are supposed to get her ID when she is in the hospital and her face is all blacked besides. Its obvious my stepdad can't take care of her on his own but then what to do about that. I have 4 people and one on the way in a 2 bedroom apartment, I cant fit anyone else here. Her house is too small for us to all move into...... I dont know what we are gonna do.

Its not about me

2011-05-02T20:27:00.000-07:00

Over the last year or so I have been feeling unwanted. When I call my mom she either doesn't answer or gets off the phone fast. Often she would be irritable saying she was trying to take a nap. Actually it seemed thats all she did was take a nap. No matter what time I would call she would be taking a nap. I got my feelings hurt and pretty much quit calling. Thursday I talked to my brother on line and he was very worried about my mom. He thought she had congestive heart failure and was refusing to see a doctor. So I decided to go to my Mom's the next day and if nessecary call an ambulance and have her taken in. I went. No One was home. Ok I think either shes in the hospital or they're out and about and its not as bad as my brother thought. I got to Wal-Mart and kill a couple hours shopping and go back to my Mom's to wait. My stepdad is there. He had told her too bad she was going in and called an ambulance the night before and my Mom was in the ICU/CCU (cardiac care unit) with Emphesema and Heart Failure. I spent the better part of two days at the hospital and my Mom was so far gone that she would wake up, if you spoke to her she would try and speak back but you had to really focus to understand what she was saying, shes too weak to talk . Then she would nod right back out. Basically she sleeps, wakes up to eat a few bites and sleeps again. The doctor came in yesterday and told us that the problem was that her thyroid had basically quit functioning and she had no thyroid in her system so it had started shutting down (From the looks of her urine kidney failure was imminent also). With medication she should be up and even walking (she can't walk) without a walker in a few weeks. Oh and her poor face. It is blacked on one side from the middle of her forehead all the way down the side to under her chin. Her eye is black and swollen shut and the other eye is somewhat blacked. She fell trying to get to the bathroom on her own. SHe has been failing for a long time the doctor said. If she had seen a doctor a year ago this wouldnt be happening. He said shes probably been ill for years. THinking about it I realized that her face has been swollen, her hair lifeless and brittle and thinning, her eyebrows basically fell out, and she has been taking those naps for a long long time. She's been failing and I thought she looked awful the last couple times I saw her but It didnt occur to me that she was dying. It went unseen. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her illness. At this moment they are saying the prognosis is good, but still today all she has done is sleep and eat a few bites. I am ashamed that I took her lack of attention to me personally and let it keep from keeping in contact with my mother. One of the few things she said was that she was glad I was there. Obviously any lack of feeling has been all in my head. I will be a better daughter.

waiting on insurance

2011-04-20T17:01:00.000-07:00

So I called my cardiologists office yesterday to find out when the treadmill test would be. They said they are waiting on approval from the insurance company and that that might take a couple weeks to get. So I am just waiting. I am also in the midst of pretty bad depression and wish I could get out of it. I have all this stuff to get done and all I want to do is to lay in bed.

spasms

2011-04-14T12:39:00.001-07:00

I've been getting these spasms in my chest for a while now. Sometimes when I bend over I feel like a muscle spasm in the left side of my chest right under my breast and it seizes up for a minute and kinda takes my breath and then I have to wait a bit for it to ease off. It doesn't happen everytime I bend over but it only happens when I bend over. This has been going on for a few months now and its getting kinda scary, so yesterday I went to the doctor. She says it would be a bizarre presentation of a heart problem but that women often present in strange ways so I am seeing a cardiologist today probably for a treadmill test. Yesterday I had a chest x-ray cause my daughter told her even tho I quit smoking I still cough. I have an appt in two weeks to review these test results. She expects them to be negative at which point she will send me back to gastroenterologist to have ANOTHER scope ran down my throat (I'm also due for a colonoscopy in June.) She thinks that perhaps when I bend over a valve opens between my stomach and my esophagus and splashes acid into my esophagus causing the spasms. So we will see. I'd prefer to not have all these tests but I want someone to tell me I'm not gonna keel over with a heart attack.My doctor also said it is possible that this will end up being one of those things that just happens and you never really know why. Thats actually ok with me as long as I know it wont kill me.

So I saw the cardiologist and he said that there was a small abnormality in my EKG and they did an echocardiogram (sonogram of the heart) and will be scheduling me for a stress test. He didn't seem real impressed with my abnormality so I am not feeling unduly worried. The stress test sounds a bit complicated. There will be an injection followed by and image and then a stress test (treadmill) which will take 1-2 hours. Then you get a lunch break and have to go back at a later time to have another image which takes another 20 minutes or so so all in all I can expect to be busy for like four hours. They give you 1-2 hours for lunch. It should be interesting at least.

2011-04-10T17:29:00.000-07:00

So I said a prayer last night before I fell asleep. I prayed that if God really wanted me to go to the church I have been going to on the next day, that I would wake up in time. I woke up in time but I was too lazy to get up. Soooo............my housebroken dog peed on my bed.

conversation with grandson

2011-03-29T18:00:00.000-07:00

"Grandma I wish you could run fast like me"

"Grandma is old and fat hun"

"Grandma you need to eat vegetables! whole plates full!! and chicken!! Chicken has stringy stuff that is good for you! And exercise!

Good medical advise from a 5 year old

dumb reasons to smoke

2011-03-12T14:13:00.000-08:00

I was talking with Sera and we started listing the dumb reasons we had to smoke. I have been quit for almost a year and still have major cravings and she is currently trying to quit. So I thought we might have fun if everyone lists all the reasons the had to smoke. For example. I used to smoke to quiet my cough........ Everyone list all their reasons and we will have fun with this.

a problem

2011-02-14T16:33:00.000-08:00

Finally a post eh? Sorry I have taken so long to post. I have lots I would like to post about but can't as my kids now have computers and may find this blog anytime. My son has already found it once so I have to be careful what I post. I have a bit of a problem that I don't know what to do about. I started going to church and I really like the church and have been attending for a while now. There is a man there tho, a widower who has become attached to me. I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship and he said thats fine, he isn't either , just be friends...... Thing is that I can barely stand to talk to him. This is terrible I know but its the truth. He smells bad, has horrid breath and is intellectually lacking. I don't want to be cruel to him. I have not encouraged him, I have only been polite. I am sure he wants more than friendship tho he says different. He sent me a text saying I am his best friend etc. I'm not. I'm not even his friend, I just cant figure out how to discourage him without hurting him. So I keep being polite and he keeps on thinking I am the best thing to ever happen to him. Its sad. I feel sad for him and I don't know what to do. Does this make me an awful person? What do I do?

2010-11-21T17:50:00.000-08:00

The car is fixed. YAY!!

2010-11-16T11:55:00.000-08:00

sooo my radiator sprung a leak and after some consideration I spent $283 that I have saved for christmas on a new one. Two days later, my water pump went out. Estimate? $324 . So my car is parked. I dont dare move it with the water pump out. The water is not circulating thru the motor as I understand it and it can overheat in no time at all. A friend from church got a guy to come and look at it and he told me it was the water pump ( I knew that) and told Charlie , the guy from church, that he would tow the car to his house and do it for $100 plus parts. The thing is that I know nothing about this guy, he doesnt speak english and Charlie says he's good but I dont know that Charlie knows anything himself. I dont know him that well. Charlie was also planning on paying for it himself. I can't allow that, It is sweet of him but I would feel obligated and like I was taking advantage of a man with a crush on me. So I turned him down gently. My son in law type person has offered to do it and at least I know he has done mechanical work before. I will pray that it goes well. The timing belt has to be removed and that can be tricky. If you dont get it back on in the position it was in when you take it off your car wont run. I will be replacing it since it has to be removed anyway. I'm being proactive here. So I have bought the parts and am just waiting for the weekend when the son in law type comes to visit his son ( my grandson) and works on the car. Please send good thoughts about my car. I can't replace it and I can't afford to have shops working on it at this time. This has to work.

wrong meds

2010-10-26T12:46:00.000-07:00

I went to the pharmacy a couple days ago to pick up my Risperdal. I didn't open that bottle for a couple days until yesterday. When I opened it , there were little white caplets. Hmmm there had been oval yellow tablets before. I looked on the label and it said "oval yellow tablets with **** printed on one side and **** printed on the other side" That was not what I had in the bottle, so I took them back to the pharmacy. The pharmacy was very serious and said I had been given "Synthroid" a thyroid medication and he replaced it with what I was supposed to have and made an incident report. I've taken Synthroid before so I know it wouldn't have hurt me but that is still a very serious mistake for a pharmacy to make.

lonely

2010-10-07T14:42:00.000-07:00

I find myself watching couples with a pang in my chest. I want a husband but I want the one I had. There isn't another like him and it would be wrong to compare him with anyone but ........... I guess I am just not ready to look yet. I still want him and dont know how long it will be til that passes. Yet I would still like to have someone......

WOO HOO!! I'm back!!

2010-10-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I suddenly couldn't sign into the internet and all the lights on my modem were flashing orange. After messing around for a week or so I finally called the internet tech support deportment of my local phone company and they ran tests on the lines and said my modem had bit the dust. So I ordered a new modem the price of which will be added to my phone bill and I can make arrangements if necessary to pay it off. I got the new modem today and obviously I was able to install it as I am here now typing on my blog again. What a relief! I am accustomed to whenever I find myself with a few minutes to myself to sitting down at the computer. For the last couple weeks I have had the compulsion to sit here but nothing to do if I had. I didn't know what to do with my free time.

2010-09-07T10:42:00.000-07:00

I'm having problems with some of the blogs I visit. I can read them but when I click on comment nothing happens. This also happens with my own blog at the moment. So......if you posted recently and have no comments from me it is because of this. I'm hoping it is resolved soon.

just a ramble

2010-08-19T09:16:00.000-07:00

You know, first there were chatrooms and communities. These were closed (at least the ones that I and my friends used were) . This was followed by blogging which has much less interaction than a chat room but at the same time you could say what you liked without interruption. I had many blogs on my list that I read and now my list is shrinking dramatically. Out of probably 20 names I might have 4 or 5 blogs that are still being posted on regularly. I have blog links to blogs that have not been posted on in over a year , yet I hesitate to remove the links, just in case the blog owners find a need to blog again and need readers. Several of the blogs on my list have been shut down. They just arent blogging anymore. I am thinking that everyone has moved to facebook which is even less personal to me. On facebook everyone is more cautious in what they say because they dont want family/friends to read everything they think. I dont post anything serious on facebook for just that reason. The games there have become boring and repetative to me so there is not much to take up any time since I am just not playing anymore. I miss the interaction between people. What comes after facebook I wonder and how unpersonal will whatever is next be? If I remove all the inactive blogs on my list it will shrink dramatically............. I am wondering how long I should keep the links tho, a year, two? I have had more personal relationships over messanger the past few years and been greatful we have messanger. Without I would have no live interaction on the computer at all. I have been busy tho for the last year and a half with my grandson who I care for while my daughter works/goes to school. This left me with much less computer time and wasn't able to sit here for hours on end and chat with my friends whenever they appeared. Now he is in school and I will have a few hours to myself everyday. My friends have their own lives and most wont be available during that time ( sigh). my computer gave me a social life when I was too ill to maintain a live one. Now that is passing away and what is to take its place ..............?

when does it end ?

2010-07-25T21:54:00.000-07:00

Its been 3 months almost and I still have a very strong desire to smoke. It just comes out of nowhere and I can taste the cigarette and feel the feeling of inhaling if I let myself think about it too long. I have quit smoking many times before for a month, 3 months, even 6 months and I always have gone back. I quit for 3 months , messed up after having the last panic attacks and smoked for 3 weeks, then quit again and I am still not smoking. Its hard tho, very hard. I dont want to start again, they just cost too darn much but a part still wants to smoke and I am afraid it always will. It would be nice to know that if I just hang in there, these urges will stop. Anyone out there who has been quit for a long time that can tell me that?

stuck on idle

2010-07-19T18:38:00.000-07:00

I've been given Prozac to try and get me out the depression I have been in for too long. Last month I had about 5 minutes of a glimpse of what I used to feel. What that means is that for 5 minutes I was interested in cooking again and could feel enjoyment at the idea. But it only lasted 5 minutes. Cooking and doing dishes has been nearly impossible. I've been doing it but with frequent rests during the processes and it feels like I am being tortured. My Prozac has been doubled and now I am stuck in "idle". I feel a desire to do something and walk into a room with the thought of cleaning something or doing dishes or...........when I get there I lose the desire. So I head the other way with the thought of doing something else. When I get there I just can't do it. So I end up pacing back and forth and accomplishing nothing. I need to get out of "idle" and into gear. I wish the Prozac would kick me into gear so I could get some stuff done. My son is coming this weekend with his family and my house is a disaster............... Maybe tomorrow I will wake up in gear. I am gonna pray for that.

2010-07-16T15:35:00.000-07:00

I spent most of yesterday mourning the loss of my best real life friend. Meaning one I actually see in real life. She is most likely moving across country to go to grad school and that is a wonderful thing for her and I am happy for her. At the same time I am sad for me. This is the only friend I have that I see in real life. Even tho we will IM and maybe someday she'll come back for a visit its not gonna be the same. The last several years, if one of us had a few extra bucks we could hop on a train and spend a few days together. We went camping with another friend of ours and took trips , all of us together. That friend has already gone away to a different school. It seems that my friends grow and go away. Anyway, its gonna be a huge loss for me no matter how it goes and yesterday was the peak of my depressive cycle and thats what I was being depressed over. I had several weepy bouts thru out the day and sent soppy offlines to my friend. I also saw my shrink yesterday and she doubled my prozac. I am better today but not due to that as I havent filled that prescription yet. Its just the cycling. I am still sad over my friends probable move but I am not weeping about it today. Today I actually got a little housework done without it seeming overwhelming and painful to do. Cycles , cycles, cycles. I debated over posting this as I do not want to say anything that would upset my friend but I figured she should know how valuable her friendship is and how much it has meant to me. I will add more to this later, its not done yet , but I am not quite ready to finish it.

testing

2010-07-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

This is a test done for Soul. She hasn't been able to post so I am checking to see if blogger is working here for me and if I can post. Soul if you see this.......well that means I can post.

Scammers

2010-07-09T15:53:00.000-07:00

I got a phone call just now. It was from a place called "winners international" and they said they had a package for me. This package is supposed to contain 7.5 million dollars and all I have to do is send them $150 shipping and handling. Do people actually fall for this?

an update

2010-06-19T17:31:00.000-07:00

Sooo once again I have not posted in quite a while. I'm amazed that any of you bother to still read this blog. I've been struggling with depression for some time now. They had me on Pristiq for a month and then I read the insert that comes with it in the sample packs and it had a glaucoma warning. Well seeing as I have two out of three indicators for glaucoma.......no more Pristiq. Now I am trying Prozac. I have tried most every antidepressant known to mankind over the the last 10/11 years but I have never had Prozac so lets hope that this does something good without doing anything bad. It would be a bit ironic if the first SSRI is the last one I ever try and it works. We will see. I will try and post more often and I thank those of you who are still with me. Your friendship means alot to me. I have also been lagging on keeping up with your blogs and I apologize for that. I do care. I have just been so depressed that the time I would normally be surfing the blogs or the internet, well I have been spending it huddled in my blankets instead. For some reason swaddling my self in blankets gives me a bit of comfort. Nowadays I have to turn the air conditioner on to do it but I still do. Probably something left from baby hood.

Great News!

2010-05-20T19:04:00.001-07:00

So I had the extraction done and I was right. the oral surgeon was great. He drilled into the roots and separated them and then carefully removed them one by one and never touched the sinus membrane! It was a bit more complicated than normal but was still just an extraction. Thank you God! Thanks for everyones kind wishes. Its nice to know someone still reads me even tho I dont post nearly enough.

dentists

2010-05-20T11:38:00.000-07:00

So I am off to the oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled out. The roots extend into my sinus cavities so it will be an "oral surgery" and I can't afford anesthesia so I will be awake. Yikes. The option of being unconscious is great til you are told the anesthesia costs more than the surgery. My dental insurance wouldn't cover this last year when I actually had dental insurance. My medical insurance also wouldn't cover it. Medi-cal should have but they denied and denied and denied til long after the end of dental benefits so.......... I have just enough room on my credit card to pay what this is supposed be. I have $393 available credit and the office person said it would be $368. So have a thought for ma and pray it doesnt go over that amount and that I have good results. The Western Dental Oral Surgeon refused to do this also last year and just left me with a broken up painful tooth and no solution. I saw this dentist make a "housecall" to a hospital room and remove 3 teeth there in the bed for a man having heart surgery the next day. His bill was reasonable and while pulling the teeth he mentioned that sometimes a root goes into the sinuses and you have to sew things shut. He was very casual about it and that gives me some confidence so I referred myself to him. Anyway keep me in your thoughts please. I am nervous.

Clarification

2010-05-11T13:45:00.000-07:00

After reading the responses to my last post, I just wanted to clarify something. I've never thought I was responsible for the deaths. I do however get this tickle of a thought that kinda nags at me a bit where I think that I am just kinda able to sense pending death somehow and then I feel totally helpless at not being able to do anything about it. I've read that panic attacks are a feeling that you are going to die. Mine involve feeling that someone else is going to die. I can't do anything the way I'm supposed to LOL. Anyway, it probably is coincidence but it is a heck of a coincidence.

P.S. Soul, after T died when I was asleep I had a hecka of time for a while trying to sleep if there was anyone in my house. I felt that my sleeping was responsible even tho my rational brain knows better

possible trigger

2010-05-09T11:54:00.000-07:00

The night before last I was standing in my back smoking and then all of a sudden wham! flashing red and blue lights right at my fence. The police were blocking all entrances to my apartment complex and not letting anyone (76 apartments) leave. I went to the front door to stick out my head just as my daughter catapulted thru it, frantic to know that my grandson and I had not been shot. There had been shots fired IN the complex. At first all we knew was that people had been shot, we didn't know if it was a random thing, a gang, thing or what. so we stayed inside with the doors and windows locked. Over the next few hours rumors flew. Many people watched from a short distance as body bags were brought out of an apartment in the back. The stories differ on exactly who it was but they all agree on one thing. A husband/boyfriend killed a wife/girlfriend and them turned the gun on himself. He was alive when he left in the ambulance, I believe it is thought that he no longer is. There is a story that there was a brother or friend there that was killed also making it three. There was a story that it was a mother of 4 that had been killed , then the next thing we heard was that the mother of 4 had been seen at the hospital after passing out from hearing that her parents were gone. So right knows except for the murder/suicide part of it. I have been waiting to hear in the news about it but we are a small town and evidentally dont rate air time. I guess I will check the papers. This kind of thing really shakes a person up and it reinforces my delusion that when I have mega panic attacks people start dying. Cause there you go- people have died. I just hope that was it and there is nothing more bad to happen. Yes I know it sounds delusional but I can remember every panic attack I have had and each time people I loved started dying. This time it hasnt been anyone I love but perhaps the close proximity will qualify and it is done. I pray its so.

not doing so well

2010-04-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted for a while and I know that a few of my more tenacious friends worry when I don't. As you may have feared I am not doing real well at the moment. I've had a bit of pretty serious depression followed by fairly strong mania and then back to depression again, I'd started taking my meds as suggested . I am taking the maximum dose of Ativan that I am allowed by my shrink ( 1mg twice a day) for the sciatica. It seems it works as a muscle relaxant just as valiuum does. I was sideswiped by a massive panic attack Sunday. I have had these before and twice after the mega ones people I loved started dying, It may be delusion but I feel that someone is going to die and I dont know who and it is going to be very bad. Yesterday I had another one. I called my shrink and she allowed me another half a dose of risperdal during the day and another 1mg Ativan. I see her again Friday and we will talk more then. Just now I was coming home from taking the child to school and I hear a song on the radio that goes " I would give anything I own, even my heart, my life, my home just to have you back again" This triggered weeping and grief over Torrey. I would give anything to have him back again but there is no hope of retrieving someone from death. My daughter got so shook up by my condition that she suggested ECT again. Not happening. I want to remember my grandson and what he likes and dislikes etc etc. Everyone once in a while when I am feeling welll, I start checking the general schedule and see what I would be making if I could go back to work. Dreaming you know. I would be getting approx $20 per hour if I went back right now, That is considerably more than I am getting now. SO I dream a bit thinking some med might actually work and I could go back to work and buy a car and ......................... Well when I did this this time and was looking up what was needed to be taken back....... there has to be a physical and one that checks your eyes for no evidence of chronic eye disease. I have two of 3 indications of glaucoma and I am afraid that my safety net (going back to work) is now gone. I dont think they would take me back even if I was mentally able. Depressing

So I got this award from Soul

2010-03-24T15:40:00.000-07:00

Lets see if I can actually get it up here. Ok I did. I got this award from Soul at http://soulmange.blogspot.com/ . It touched me and it was a really good time as I just came back to from the doctor's office after having a needle full of Toradol shot in my ass and I am still waiting for it to take full effect. I have sciatica and I have a couple friends who have had it and I understood it was pretty painful but now I know personally.its REALLY painful. Anyway back to the award

. Here are the rules

First, you post about your award, advising who gave it to you and create a link back to their blog.

Then you list five things that make you happy.

Last, pass along this award to five bloggers who make you smile.

Five things that make me happy:

well today at least ( relief of sciatic pain - he he)

hearing my grandson giggling in his sleep- I love knowing he is having good dreams

my internet friends

knowing my kids are well and happy

and this is embarassing , I should put fishing and fishing does make me happy, but being able to watch my shows (lost grey's anatomy, Trublood etc ) really does make me happy. Especially Lost because Torrey and I used to watch it together and for an hour each week its kinda like I am still doing something with him. Crazy huh? Maybe so but I am gonna be sad when this final season is done.

ok-5 friends who make me smile - oh yeah bloggers (one and the same to me)

Tand

Sera

Soul ( probably should do 6 since Soul is the one who gave me this and I bet she doesnt want to post it again)

Sonnie

**** from the blog Doctor? which doesnt seem to be up anymore

Tart

there are more but many of you are going to be tagged by the people I named soooo here's 5

also Joyce- sorry I just have to add her oh yeah and Jane - oh crap I just wanna add everyone!

Glaucoma?

2010-03-20T17:14:00.001-07:00

Well I had my appointment and testing yesterday and guess what? I still know nothing LOL. Well thats not really true. I have not lost any vision as of yet. However I still having cupping of the optic nerve and my intraocular pressure has been steadily rising the last few years it seems. It was 14, next two years it was 16 and now its at 18. Normal is generally 10-20. While this is not abnormal per se, its not a good sign combined with the cupping. So as it stands right now I am considered highly suspicious for glaucoma and I go back in December to do it all again as they want to keep a close eye on me. My understanding is that there cannot be a diagnosis of glaucoma until you actually lose vision. That is the final confirmation, losing vision in a "glaucoma pattern" So I can't see that there is anything to be done really except to enjoy what I have while I have it.

I'm still here

2010-02-27T16:11:00.000-08:00

No Mago, I'm not gone, I'm still here. I keep telling myself I need to post and then I get depressed or stressed and dont. I've been a bit worried the last few weeks. I went to the opthamologist and it seems I could have glaucoma. There will be a peripheal vision test on the 19th and if I have lost any vision then they will start the drops. I researched glaucoma of course and it seems the statistics are in my favor. Problem is that I almost always seem to fall into the smaller of the percentages in most things and so I do worry abit about going blind. That would just be horrific. When I have had lumps in my breast I have always been pretty confident that they weren't malignant and they never were. I am not confident about this at all. Hopefully the test will be fine and all this anxiety will have been for nothing.

Thank- you friends

2010-02-06T15:59:00.000-08:00

You know, once upon a time a very sick woman wandered into a chat room seeking understanding and peer support. The name of this chatroom was New Beginnings. I think I wandered in for the "first time" a few times cause I had severe memory issues due to ECT and kept doing the same things over and over , forgetting I had already done them. Anyway, some people from this chat room were dissatisfied and thought they could do better and started " Sanity is Overrated". Eventually I became an owner/manager there. During this time I met some people who have become very dear and close friends. They listened to all my crises with my daughter and empathized with my pain, worry and despair. Now said daughter is in the process of turning her life around. What I find amazing is that when we were all in these chatrooms we were pretty much down on ourselves, many of us were ashamed of being mentally ill. We thought we were damaged, useless, etc etc. My daughter recently added some of my friends to her facebook. She needed more friends to play some of the games there. This wonderful thing happened when she did that. My so called mentally ill friends welcomed her and all of a sudden, she is being mentored online, supported, made to laugh during stressful times and I didnt ask anyone to do this. My precious friends have just done this on their own. Funny, all the normal people , well they havent done anything. I want to thank you (you know who you are). You are literally helping my daughter get thru school. There was one day her car was broken down and she was trying to reach me thru facebook as she didnt have a cell phone and most of the college was closed down. She actually has family members on facebook other than I and none of them responded or said anything. Friends of mine did say something and it was a joke, but she felt acknowledged and that someone was paying attention. She has alot of anxiety and stress due to school and often feels like she is not going to be able to do something school related and another friend has been encouraging her and giving her advice from her own personal experience with the same classes. Sometimes this is what gets her thru when I couldnt. LOL even tho I am giving advice gleaned from the exact person , its from "Mom" and for some reason its just better if it doesnt come from "Mom". I did not plan this when I told her my friends would accept her as a friend on facebook, so that she could enlarge her farm. I actually had no idea this would come about. I am so very greatful and I feel so blessed in having such friends. Thank you all so much. I love you.

To Crazy Tracy

2010-02-02T15:32:00.000-08:00

I have been trying to get to yoru blog Tracy but whenever I try and go there a big red sign comes up saying your blog is hosting malware and that it is dangerous to my computer. Maybe you can check it somehow, not that I know how but maybe you do.

2010-01-26T20:22:00.000-08:00

This is what happened when I got a perm yesterday. I ended up in the ER at 2:30 a.m. getting needles jabbed into both arms and went home with 3 prescriptions. "Acute allergic reaction". Obviously this means no more perms for me and I was so excited that I finally getting one after like 5 years being unable too due to psoriasis. I have very very fine hair and it just hangs limply and looks thin without a perm. Must I react to every damn thing? They prescribed Prednisone, Claritin and cream. I am a bit nervous about the prednisone as I have heard that steroids and bi-polars don't mix well but the itching and burning started again this afternoon so I went ahead and took it and will hope for the best. I am however MUCH improved over last night. I think it broke every capillary in my face and still somewhat swollen and red in places but nothing like I was last night.

UGH

2010-01-25T12:38:00.000-08:00

As I walk down the hall, I happen to to glance in the bathroom only to see my 4 year old grandson urinating in the toilet, his 5 pound chihuahua had lifted his leg and was urinating on the base of the toilet. There is a limit on just how far "doing everything together" should go.

Here is a post?

2009-12-17T18:43:00.000-08:00

There have been a few people asking me to update. Ok. I've been taking things one small step at a time. Its the only way I can even come close to dealing. First I sent for the insurance pamplets and then refused to think about insurance until they got here. As they arrived they went onto a pile - not available in my area is where most of them went. There was a thats way too expensive pile and maybe can do it pile. The maybe can do it pile ended up with two choices. I could keep the insurance I have and travel to Fresno (over an hour away) to see doctors or I could pay another $50 a month and keep my doctors. On the last day of open season I decided to keep my doctors. I'll deal with the money next month when its time as there is nothing I can do about anything right now. So I try not to allow myself to worry until its time to worry. Doesnt always work but sometimes........ The holidays are hard. Very hard. I just want to be alone and go to bed and get up when they are over but I have kids and grandkids and cant do that. I used to like Christmas but now its just a misery to get thru without anyone realizing just how bad off I am so that I dont spoil the holiday for those that do still love it. I'm lonely and horny (freaking bi-polar does that to me, even when I dont feel the least romantic my body goes off at the worst times) However there is no one to enact that symptom upon so its just another "pain" to go with the others. I'm off meds. The hip pains were from the Risperdal and they also went into my neck. I see my shrink tomorrow but I am feeling rather hopeless as I cant afford any new meds and they all just cause problems anyway. I will have to wait til I get my new insurance card, call them and co-ordinate benefits, see my new Primary Care Physician and then get referred back to my shrink. What a royal pain in the butt! I know reading this is probably depressing as all get out. Hopefully once this holiday has passed I can cycle out of this hole I am in.

Happy Thanksgiving ?

2009-11-26T12:00:00.000-08:00

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. Now I'm gonna whine. It is the Risperdal causing the hip pain and the muscle rigidity or spasms or whatever you want to call it also moved up into my neck, at the base of my skull. So I had to quit taking the Risperdal. Doing so plunged me into depression or maybe its just my cycle having been interrupted by the Risperdal simply resumed. The depression hit hard the day I was supposed to go the City and be fingerprinted for volunteering at the zoo. I couldnt do it. Soooo I am too screwed up to even manage one day a week. I couldnt even manage the initial process. I was manicky for a while and while I was I maxed out my credit cards (duh I have to pay for them now) . I also got all my bills organized , written out and sent out early. Unfortunately I sent them one day too early. Several of them hit the bank the same day my check arrived and they oh so kindly decided to bounce them all even tho all but one had cleared before that. So I had several $35 bounces charges I couldn't afford at all. This seriously messed up my finances. I havent bounced a check in probably 10 years or more So it will take a few months to recover from this blow plus its harder to do as I have to make all those credit card payments.... or lose the credit I worked so hard to get. "Someday" when my daughter is out of school and working and paying the rent I want to buy a car. If I dont keep up with these payments that will be impossible.
I keep hearing the song that was playing in my head while Torrey was dying. Its playing in my head now. I'd like to think that means hes close to me, but I cant communicate with him and that makes me very sad. All in all, life sucks for me at this moment. I know most of these feelings of hopelessness can be attributed to depression but I still feel them. I feel hopeless. I feel I am going to be sick (actively so) broke and alone for the rest of my life however long that might be. I can think of things to be thankful for, I really can but I cant FEEL them right now. I hope that one day these holidays aren't so damned painful. I really do wish that you all are having a truly happy light hearted Thanksgiving.

2009-11-19T13:04:00.000-08:00

The little guy had his surgery this morning and since has done nothing but sleep with an occasional tearful waking up to drink some very watered milk. He is a milkaholic but they prefer that he doesnt have milk after a tonsillectomy, so we are just giving him very watered milk. He is a bit confused still and in a pain and tearful so its very hard to just say totally no and he wont accept anything other than his milk. We put his pain meds in it so I'm hoping next time he wakes up he will be feeling a bit better.
I'm going to be volunteering at the zoo soon. Monday I go get fingerprinted for the position. I will be feeding and caring for the animals which include two bears and a young mountain lion, bobcats, racoons, foxes, emu's etc etc etc. I'm hoping that as it will be working with the animals instead of the people I will be able to manage one day a week. It would be nice to feel as if I am doing something that matters somehow. I know taking care of my grandson matters but ......... it would be good to get out of the house and probably good for my self esteem to do something useful.

2009-11-17T12:02:00.000-08:00

My grandson went to the doctor today and the doctor said its just a virus ( nasty one I think) and his lungs are clear so he is going to have surgery Thursday. Please keep him in your thoughts and my daughter too as she has anxiety levels that are thru the roof.
I woke up this morning with tremendous hip pain again. I am "hoping" that its because I worked out last night and not a side effect of the Risperdal. That is the reason I cant take Seroquel anymore, it started causing Parkinson's like symptoms. In other words my muscles would spasm and stay spasmed and I could barely walk. I have been doing better than I have in a very very long time on the Risperdal and I hope this isn't what I think it might be.

2009-11-15T14:16:00.000-08:00

Well I still dont post enough. I always think of all these things to post and then never do it. I was reading Gloria Steinham and there is a part where she is talking about how to take care of yourself that I really liked. Many of us in therapy have heard "nurture" yourself and not known how to do that or what it really meant. Steinham says ask yourself, "what didn't you get as a child" Whatever that is, you need to give it to yourself now. I think its nice to have an understandable answer to that.
My Grandson is supposed to be getting his tonsils and adenoids out this week but he is sick so I dont think they will be doing it. Which is disturbing. When he gets sick he stops breathing at night and we have to shake him a bit and make him breathe. It would have been a massive relief to have that taken care of and now I dont know when they will do it.
I'll probably add more later as I think of stuff.
I bought a moped/scooter. All electric. Very green. I am waiting til after christmas to buy new batteries but I can wait. I paid $120 for it and I have seen similar ones going for $900-$1500 so I am satisfied even with having to buy new batteries.

in memory of

2009-11-02T15:43:00.001-08:00

Mark Ramsey, (aka Dreaming Mage) its been two years and I still miss you dreadfully.
Love Raine

2009-10-24T00:11:00.000-07:00

I was looking thru my old blog today for a picture to show a friend. I just scanned it because I am still easily triggered into grief.But I was struck by how much I used to write. I guess I felt more free to voice my thoughts when my whole family wasnt online. It used to be just me and I didnt have to worry about who might read what I had written. Whenever I got upset I would write about it. However sometimes I am upset by family members and sometimes I dont know if its justified or if its just me being bi-polar. I would vent in a safe place (on my blog) and get it out and feel some relief. Sometimes I would find that I eventually realized it was me and my illness reacting to others and sometimes I have found that I am justified in my feelings. Thats the bitch about being bi-polar. Is it real or is it bi-polar? I like to wait and give my emotions time before I act on any of them.
yesterday I took a friend to a military station bout an hour away to get an ID. My mom's house is on the way. I was going to stop on the way back and visit but when I called I had woken her up and she spoke to me in this voice.......... a long suffering, hostile, why the heck do you bother me type of voice. Soooooo being mega sensative, I didnt stop. My feelings were hurt. After I had been home for a couple hours she called in a happy chipper voice wanting to know if I was still coming. Nope I went home a different way and am already home. Thing is, my rational thats my mom when she gets woken up , way of thinking just doesnt prevent the hurt feelings. My daughter was talking to me in a shitty tone of voice all day too. At least thats what I felt. So i was feeling hurt all around. The my daughter noticed how depressed I was and that I was coughing and made me something to eat and cleaned up the kitchen, which is very rare for her. Am I the only one so sensative? I have posted bout stuff like this before but I really really dont know. It seems to me that every is snippy and they all ummmmmm take it in stride? People who care about each other that is? I cant. I dont know if its the illness or being over sensative or if I just dont fit in this world but it hurts me when people talk shitty to me. It throws me into depression and bed. I dont know how to grow a thicker skin ......... so ........ are you all able to snipe at each other and not be shattered by it?

Copied from the best of Craigslist

2009-10-20T02:01:00.000-07:00

Tue, 1 Sep 13:22 PDT
From an Old Woman to a Young Woman
Date: 2009-09-01, 1:22PM PDT
1. You are not a victim. No matter what happens to you, don't take the pussy route and blame the world for your misfortune. If you were sexually assaulted, verbally abused, etc and lived to tell about it; take your pain and help those who need it. Writing emo poetry isn't going to solve anything.
2. Invest in your education first, your looks second. Anyone can pay a plastic surgeon to look hot, but not everyone can read a book and do simple math.
3. No matter what you call it, having a 'man to take you shopping' is glorified prostitution. He wants you for your body, you want him for his wallet. Cut the crap and call it what it is.
4. Do not seek confidence in other people. Magazines, celebrities and most pop influences are there to make you feel like you're nothing. Don't buy into it. Those celebrities need your money to look fabulous. Invest in yourself, not hype.
5. Stop fueling gossip mongers [Perez Hilton, TMZ.]. They have nothing to talk about and if you follow them for long, neither will you.
6. Be modest; why have all your goods unwrapped and leave nothing for the imagination?
7. Know the difference between fucking and love. There is a major difference and if you don't know it, pick up a book or ask someone who does.
8. Do not have children just because you're lonely or insecure. Your child will end up hating you for it and you won't get the emotional blanket you hoped you'd get.
9. Get a job. Seriously. Just because you're a woman doesn't mean that you are excused from work. Find a trade, get a job. If you are a house wife, be a good one. If you are a career woman, put your heart into what you do.
10. A respectable companion is rarely at a 'bar' or da club'. These places are meat markets and will only set you up for a douchebag or a wimp. If you go, refer to rule 7.
11. Learn to cook. Cooking is a dying skill that needs not be. You'd be surprise how much weight you lose and how you can get a decent companion if you know more than picking up a phone and calling for dinner.
12. Get off your phone. If it's not your best friend, your job or your family, your cackling is not important and the rest of the world does not want to hear it. Listen more. Talk less.
13. Stop putting so much of your money into things [purses, shoes, make up] and start putting it into a savings account, a 401k or an IRA. Those shoes are not going to vest when you turn 65. 14. Stop using men to get you stuff. Have some self respect and buy your own drinks, meals and entertainment. A date will respect you more if you show them you are not helpless.
15. Perfume and baby powder does not make up for good hygiene. Shower, do your laundry, clean your place. Body odor is not excusable for either genders.
16. If you are a Lesbian, respect yourself and stop trying to find acceptance in the world. 9/10 they will not accept you. Tell them 'fuck you' and be your own woman.
17. If you are a Lesbian, you are not anymore special or important than anyone else. You love other women and you have that right, but do not flex your preference thinking it makes you unique. Your mind and experiences make you unique, either gay or straight.
18. Buy clothes that fit. Be tasteful with your clothing be you big or small.
19. Don't eat for comfort, vomit to make yourself beautiful, and starve yourself to feel loved. Exercise, be sensible with your food choices, don't deprive yourself but never eat too much. The quickest way to a size 30, and to the grave, is past your teeth.
20. If they say the love you, ask them to earn your heart through good deeds, genuine kindness and respect.
21. Romance is not dead; but if you're not willing to give it, don't expect it in return.
22. Stop being a bitch to other women and other people. If you are not happy, go get therapy. No one deserves to be berated because you don't have the guts to berate yourself.
23. Do something new every day. Pole dance to learn about your sensuality, paint to express your creativity, write a blog to express your soul. Evolve and never stop learning.
24. Look in the mirror everyday and smile at what you see.
25. Stay safe. Learn to defend yourself against one or multiple attackers. Jackals do not attack if they see a big stick. If all else fails, run. There is no shame in running if it keeps you safe.
26. Love yourself. Always. When you love yourself to the fullest, the world will open with opportunities

hmmmmmm

2009-09-15T15:09:00.000-07:00

Well I dont believe I had the swine flu afterall. I had put on the "good brand" of nicotine patches right before I got so sick. I removed em after barfing for a while. A few days later when I put one back on again, I got sick again. I believe I had a nicotine overdose. Then I got a horrible cold that I am still shaking off. I thought I would post this as some seemed fairly worried. I will survive!! LOL

Swine Flu

2009-09-03T17:18:00.001-07:00

Miserable shit

Welcome to the world

2009-08-23T11:57:00.001-07:00

Welcome to the world Chanowa Rayne! Born August 20 at 7 p.m. 3 lbs, 9 ounces. This is the baby of TandCrew who some of you will remember. She is very tiny and has a full head of hair. She will have to stay in the hospital for a while til she gains some weight but she is healthy. Mama seems to be doing ok, a bit emotional but ok. Thats kind of normal after giving birth I think. Congratulations Tand and welcome Chanowa.
I went shopping for premie stuff last night and it was FUN.

Tests and things

2009-08-20T15:24:00.001-07:00

Well I got a couple calls from my doctor today. My labs are normal and so is my x-ray. That means I dont have arthritis and its a medication side effect causing the hip pain. Right before I went to Sera's I had stopped taking the Seroquel XR and went back to regular Seroquel. I havent had any hip pain since. I have always gotten samples of Seroquel as it is an expensive medication and even with insurance , if you add up several meds at up to $50 each per month, well it gets prohibitive. Now Seroquel is pushing XR so those are the only samples available.
I am also having a pelvic/abdominal CT tomorrow which will hopefully show why my kidney is hurting. I'll let you know what I find out , when I do.

oh shit, not again

2009-08-12T22:03:00.000-07:00

Well I went to the doctor today. I have been having constant mild kidney pain for quite a while now. He did a dip and I dont have a Urinary tract infection but I do have blood in my urine. This is bad news for me as it probably means I have kidney stones again. Which will mean lithotripsy and agonizing pain again. This totally sucks. I have been having a lot of hip pain too but right before I went to Sera's I quit using Seroquel XR and went back to the regular. The pain eased. I dont know if this is coincidence or if the pain is actually med related. Damn near every crappy thing that happens to me is med related so it probably is. I'm having labs, a hip x-ray and a CT on my kidney. We will see.
As far as the stalker goes, I still see him. Now , however, he doesnt stop moving. He drives in and out of parking lots but doesnt stop his car to park. Must be frustrating for him eh?
I had a wonderful time with Sera and her partner. I really didnt want to come home. I just love them and really enjoy spending time there.
Grandson has started pre-school and is in his element there.
Daughter got a 4.0 grade average for the summer.
Thats my update for now, be well everyone

Maybe it worked?

2009-08-04T15:39:00.000-07:00

Since the day after I went to the police dept its been pretty peaceful. I see him on occasion, but he goes into the store and gets his stuff and leaves right away instead of parking for hours on end. I am hoping this means the officer did what he said he'd do and went and talked to him (and scared the crap out of him). I'm leaving Thursday for my version of a vacation. Going to Sera's. I'm not looking forward to the traveling as I seem to have arthritis or something in my hips and and sitting for any period of time causes stiffening and pain but I am taking the train halfway and I can get up and walk around the train. Hopefully this will ease it somewhat and if not, oh well, I hurt anyway. I might as well hurt with good company. I'll be seeing my doctor a couple days after I get back and then I might have some answers.

Stalker and the police

2009-07-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

R was seen by myself (R ) in the area of my home repeatedly over several months that we dated. He parks in various parking lots surrounding my home and watches my house and/or waits for me to appear when walking my dog or going to the store, etc etc. I talked to him about this many times and he denied stalking me. Finally I broke up with him over it and started keeping a record for a possible police report.
6-27-2009 R was seen by a visitor to my house, parked on the next street over, watching my car thru the fence
6-27-2009 between 9 and 10 p.m. My daughter (M) and I watched from backyard as R circled the Save-Mart parking lot in his red Toyota Camry. R parked in the parking for a while and never left his car. Then he exited the parking lot and drove to the Jack-in -the- box parking lot and parked there for a while. He returned to the Save-Mart parking lot and parked in front of Jamba Juice directly across the street from my apartment. I confronted him, he apologized and left.
6-29-2009 Neighbors reported having seen R parked in the Save-Mart parking lot at 1:30 a.m. Save-Mart closes at 1 a.m.
7-3-2009 1:53 a.m. I saw R sitting in his red Toyota truck in the Save-Mart parking lot with his head lights on, aimed directly towards my apartment. When he saw me watching him, he left, circled the block and drove back by my apartment again peering into my driveway.
7- 3-2009 7:45 p.m. I went to Save-Mart. I saw Rod in the parking the parking lot. He left and then re-entered. I went in the store to do my shopping and he went in also and managed to leave at the same time I was leaving. I spoke to him. I explained in detail about laws and informed him that I would press charges if he continued.
7-12-2009 I saw R in the Jack-in-the-box parking lot. He was sitting there parked. I asked him why he’d been doing what he had been doing and he stated that was jealous of a friend of mine and that he would stop stalking me.
7-18 -2009 I left to go to Merced at approximately 8:30 p.m. I returned at 11:20 p.m. and as I was pulling into my driveway I saw R in his Toyota Camry driving around the Save-mart parking lot. I watched from backyard and he did not enter any stores
7-18-2009 11:30 p.m. I took my dog out for a walk and saw R parked in the Jack-in-the-box parking lot where I confronted him once more. He said that he was not stalking me, he’d been in Save-Mart withdrawing money from the ATM. I asked for his receipt as proof. The receipt showed he had been there at 8:46 p.m. almost 3 hours earlier. I told him to quit stalking me and to go home.
7-25-2009 approximately 2 p.m. I left my apartment with a friend. I saw R in the Save-Mart parking lot where he watched me leave.
7-25-2009 9 p.m. I returned home and saw R drive by, peering into my driveway to see if I was there and who I was with . Upon entering my apartment my daughter said that she had seen him cruising the parking lots twice that day while I was gone.
7-26- 2009 5 p.m. I returned home from a wedding at 5 p.m. and took my dog out. I saw R drive by me.
7 p.m. I walked my dog and saw R sitting parked in the Jack-in-the-box parking lot in his Toyota Camry.
8-8:30 p.m. I had been watching and R had been parked there for the last hour and a half. I went to my neighbors ( B ,his personal information) B walked into the
parking lot, close to the car and checked to be sure it was R. It was R and within a few minutes B and I I watched him leave the parking lot and drive to the Save-Mart parking lot. I determined to report this and B said he would be a witness.
9p.m. B told me that he had he walked around the side of my apartment, out of curiosity and saw R sitting parked at Jamba Juice , directly across from apartment. B walked towards R and R left.
These are the occasions that I have seen him over the last few weeks. I can’t say how many times he has been watching me that I haven’t seen him.
R 7-27-2009
7-27-2009 between 1:30 and 2:00 p.m. approx. Went to the At Police Station at 750 B Rd and spoke to Officer Dayton Snyder who told me it wasnt illegal to be in a public place if no threats had been made. He said I could file for a restraining order and call police every time I saw him doing that but at the moment there was nothing he could do. After some expressed emotion, he agreed to have a talk with him . I left him with a copy of this with the names and addresses included.

http://www.stalkingalert.com/stalkinglaws.htm

death death death, I'm tired of it already

2009-07-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

My Mother-in-Law died yesterday. It was a horrible death I think. She kept getting diarrhea and it got worse and worse and worse. She had a colonoscopy and they said colitis but I dont know that they actually did anything for it. Then she got a bloodclot in her leg and they gave her Cumadin. They Cumadin basically caused her entire colon to bleed and she had to have transfusions. The blood caused a reaction. The colitis kept getting more severe and she gave up eating. I understand she lost a horrendous amount of weight in 3 weeks. Its been said it was 45 pounds but I dont know for sure. How very sad and miserable. She was very good to me after T's death and I appreciate it. I will miss her. I'm really ready to have a few years where nobody dies on me. I would think my quota has been more than filled. I am afraid. Afraid that I will get older and older and everyone I know will die................ It seems to be happening already. I just thank God my kids and grandkids seem to be ok. The thing is tho, death seems to come on sooooooo very suddenly.......... No more please.

ramble on

2009-07-18T15:39:00.000-07:00

I have been busy as can be trying to take care of my grandson and keeping my daughter calm thru her summer session of school. Shes been panicking about everything which I think is kind of normal as all my friends do the same thing. Shes gotten all A's tho and I am proud of that. But meanwhile, all her time has been devoted to schoolwork and all the housework and childcare has been on me. Which i fine, I am haapy to do it. However for that last few years I have lived alone or with T and it is not easy to readjust. I cant sleep whenever I need to, have no time for much of anything for myself, etc etc etc. Her paper is finished and we can relax for a few weeks. She still has to study for the final but its not taking all of her time like it was. I have been stuck in varying degrees of depression for a while now. Bad enough that I have gone back to Cymbalta (which nearly killed me with diarrhea before). I started out on the lowest dose and would dump half of the capsule out. It took two months at that stage (10 mg) before the diarrhea stopped. SO now I am up to 20 mg and have diarrhea again. I dont know if I have had a really serious depression or if its just not working at all. Time will tell I guess. I do know that I have been overwhelmed, unable to keep up with the basics of life. I have had "thoughts" which is why I went and tried Cymbalta again. The other day it was my daughters birthday and I bought her a bunk bed/ full sized futon for her and the baby. Used but in good shape. I had to take it apart to get it in the hosue. Then I was unable to put it back together. I tried for two days all the while , taking the dog for long walks with tears running down my face where no one could see me. I kept thinking " Torrey you asshole, if you hadnt gone and died on me this freakin bed would have been in the house and together better than ever in half an hour". I understand that grief comes in waves for a very long time after something like, but when you are already depressed well........I'll try to post more and be online more. The grandson starts preschool in a couple weeks and that will at least give me afternoons for cleaning and puter time and such. I miss everyone

Long overdue update

2009-07-01T01:08:00.001-07:00

Well I should have posted long ago but theres been alot on my plate. My daughter started summer college courses and has been suffering considerable anxiety over it. " Mom what does this mean?" "Mom, how do I do this?" "mom" "Mom" Like I know LOL. There is little I can help her with as I only took USDA classes and a few classes that would get me into the USDA. There were no specific formats to use then for what I was taking. My friend Sera has given her some tips and my neighbor ( a history buff, that talks history even when you dont want to hear it LOL) has been kind of tutoring her. End result? First math exam- A, First history exam-A. YAY
I take care of my grandson while she is in school and studying so that keeps me very busy. Some of you may remember I met an older man while fishing last summer? Well we've played alot of Bingo and had a few meals......... He's been stalking me. I warned him the first time I caught him very firmly and loudly. Thought I had caught him again, but he said I was mistaken and I let it go. The last month I havent been saying anything, just watching. He has been blatantly stalking me. Every day, several hours a day. Other people have noticed. At any rate I waited til he was doing it again, ran across the street without using the crosswalk so I could get there faster and totally blasted him verbally. The last thing I said was if I catch him again, I will report it to the police, at which point he made a shushing gesture and I said " I dont give a shit, everybody sees you doing this, why not let them hear about it too?" He left at the point and I "think" he is taking me seriously now. I havent caught him since. And he is EASY too catch. I have actually mangaged to slip around buildings and come up behind his car and take his soda out of his hands before he knew I was there. I am better aat stalking the stalker, than he is at stalking me. At any rate, I wont be playing Bingo anymore so I might have more time online. On the same night that I blasted the stalker, my son and daughter had a massive blow out and disowned each other. VERY upsetting for me as I love them both dearly and eventually would like to have us all living close so that I can spend time with both of my kids and grandkids............ I do hope they get over it asap

a new family member

2009-06-14T18:52:00.001-07:00

This is our newest family member who just came to us yesterday. He's only about a month old so we are feeding him puppy formula. He crawled into Charlies food bowl attempting to eat his kibble which was way to big for him but I snapped a picture because he was so cute. By the way this is a normal sized dog bowl. Charlie only weighs 12 pounds and yet he looks like a horse next to this puppy. I think I might try and snap a picture of them together so that you all can see just how tiny this puppy is. If you are reading this post, I will be adding to it later. Right now I have a riot of toddler , dog and daughter in here>

more %$@(#&(@*& SURGERY!!!!

2009-06-02T21:45:00.000-07:00

I had one of two teeth pulled yesterday. They refused to do the other, even tho it was an oral surgeon I was seeing. It seems that the roots of that molar extend into the sinus cavity and if they remove it I will have a huge opening from inside my mouth to my sinus cavity. It will require me seeing another oral surgeon and at least two ( possibly many) surgeries to get this taken care of. SHIT! I dont even know if my insurance will cover such a thing . It seems to me that operating thru the nose and putting a thingy ( forgot what its called ) in there to block the opening should come under medical rather than dental.........but I dont know. If its under dental I am so screwed. My dental doesnt do shit. If its under medical then I should be ok. Thats one major issue. The other is that I am horrified by the possibility of having that opening and have it reopen over and over. The surgeon said that it would be a 70% opening what ever that means. I will be referrred to the new surgeon tomorrow and then we will see, after I actually talk to them. Sigh

I want him back

2009-05-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday and I am depressed and greiving. Everyone around me is trying to do nice stuff and they expect a positive reaction. They dont get it. I try and explain its not them, I'm bi-polar but there are very few that get it. Most people think they do but they dont. I dont need a reason to fall into a deep depression but when I do........... the depression can find something wrong. This time, well I am still overcome by waves of grief along with being bi-polar. Bi-polar or greif.........I think its both because of the symptoms just prior to the depression but also his birthday was the 20th. We were 5 days apart (along with 3 years). I want him back. I look for him in other people and hes not there. I know I shouldnt do that but I cant seem to stop myself. I have dreams......... He got it. He was able to walk in and find me dysphoric or depressed and to not take it personally. He didnt have any expectations other than to love me and I dont think I will ever find that again. The rest of the world......well.......they all seem to think that if you arent happy, then you must be angry or upset with them. Even when you explain it has nothing to do with them and it is the illness. They dont beleive you. I can see it. T did believe me and if I was down he would just say I hope you feel better honey and give me a hug and go watch Sci-Fi and play on his computer. If I got weepy he'd hold me. On occassion he would gently suggest I go to bed and he was generally right about that. Its so not fair that I only got to have him for 3 years.

miscellaneous ranting

2009-05-11T18:28:00.000-07:00

I have a list of complaints to spew about it seems. One- Kentucky Fried Chicken. They have this new grilled chicken. I want to try it. My doctor wants me to eat lowfat so it seemed a good idea. SOooooo. I go there and order and they tell me they have no chicken. WTF? Several times I have been there and been told that they are out of original recipe or extra crispy or legs or....... But to have no chicken at all?!?!? Thats just too much and very bad management. Next, K-mart. I wanted to buy my grandson water shoes. We swim and fish quite a bit and unfortunately people are pigs in general and leave broken glass and fish hooks and other nasty things about so we need water shoes. Kmart seemed to only have little girls water shoes. So I ask the manager if they are going to get more in. " We generally dont stock those until winter" OKkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy I ask why with a very straight face and he cant answer me. I explain the purpose of water shoes, for foot protection when fishing, swimming etc. you know WATER SHOES? and he tells me I should have been specific. Uh HELLO I said water shoes , not rubber boots. How much more specific can you get? Last night after a weekend spent vomitting with a gastrointestinal virus (stomach flu) thats been around this apartment complex, I am trying to get some sleep. Its 2 a.m. and I am just dozing off. What do I hear? A woman screaming at the top of her lungs into a cell phone in the yeard of the house next door. "Tell Arnold to bring me a fucking joint and I'll give him some pussy. I dont care , he doesnt mind drive. Just tell him you asshole" etc etc etc. Just what I want to hear or want my 3 year old grandson to wake up to. No class at all. Its bad enough she'll prostitute herself for a $4 joint much less announce it to the whole neighborhood! So I put on my robe, walk outisde and say in a very firm angry voice. "YOu think you can keep it down out here?" Tweaker says" You heard me? "Yeah, every single word, loud and clear coming thru my bedroom window where my grandson is sleeping. YOU got me out of bed?" "Oh I'm sorry" grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Besides spewing my intestines all over the restroom over the weekend I had a tooth crack right up the middle into my gums , leaving both halves loose but connected and kind of in a bad position. I cant chew without alot of pain. Went to Western Dental to get it out and they wont take it out as parts are into my sinuses? I have to wait til June 1st for an appt with an oral surgeon. Meanwhile I have to live with eating my food in small chunks and basically swallowing them whole. What an aggravating week!

P.S. I went across the street to get prescriptions and coming back right now a guy on a cell phone in a big assed truck nearly ran me down in the sidewalk. TWO laws broken there. One its illegal here to drive thru a crosswalk while pedestrians are still in it. Two- its illegal to be talking on a cell phone while driving. You must have an earpeice- he didnt. I yelled HEY!! and he looked over and then got a look of shock on his face realizing how very close to me he was. Dumbass, pay attention when you are driving a tank!

Crazy shit happening to me again

2009-05-01T01:58:00.000-07:00

I was coming back from Bingo. You may remember a previous post about coming back from Bingo and finding a body on the sidewalk in Madera. Alive luckily. I left Madera because they shot someone in front of my house. As you can see I have bad history there and tonight it continued. I was coming back from Bingo and we stopped at a gas station that we always stop at for a bathroom break and a drink. I'm standing at the counter and my friend is in the restroom when all of a sudden all hell breaks loose. I end up wedged into the corner there by counter ducking and weaving frantically to avoid this very large fist that kept coming at my face. The guy wasnt aiming at me but his back swing was definetely endangering me. Two guys had tried a beer run and 3 guys in the store (owners/workers) werent going to let it happen. They grabbed them and hung on. The two criminals started swinging to try and get loose which they eventually did. I hear from friend that most people turn white when frightened but evidentally I turn dark red. Of course that could be the adrenalin rush and all the ducking and weaving. I am amazed that anyone could be hit as hard as that man was hitting the store owner and not be seriously injured. Anyway the end result was that the bad guys got away, minus at least one case of beer ( it was sitting on the sidewalk broken open) one good guy had an injured arm and I have made the decision we dont stop in Madera anymore! If my next post says I got ticketed for urinating on the side road, well you will know why.

just a ramble

2009-04-11T23:56:00.001-07:00

I dont have anything particularly important to say but there are things running thru my brain. For example: why does my browser get stuck on certain blogs? People with music on their blogs........well I kinda think they should give you a choice if you want to listen to it or not. I am sitting here with a sleeping toddler in the room and when I go to a blog and the music starts, I have to frantically figure out how to turn it off, turn the speakers down ( oops there is another place other than speakers to be turned down, etc etc) I used to be afraid a few years ago that I would die and that no one would realize until the rent wasnt paid and they came to evict me. That is no longer a problem. I miss my friends online. I wish I could get on here in peace and quiet more often so I could talk to them. My dog is being neutered Tuesday. My daughter is going to college (yay), She was thinking bout becoming an accountant but then someone pointed out that there is no money to count. Maybe an LVN to start, we'll see after she talks to the counselor there. My son made a good point I thought the other day. He said that Obama had promised that no one who made under $250,000 a year would see a tax increase. HELLO OBAMA!?!?!? You think only rich people smoke?!?!?! I'm trying to quit but I am having alot of difficulty and keep running across the street and paying that damned $6 a pack..... My daughter and grandson are now addicted to fishing. My daughter caught a trout the other day and now its on. My grandson pulled in a stringer of 3 trout while in a singsong type of voice chanting "come here fishy fishy..... I'm gonna eat you" I thought it was funny. My son is looking at buying his first home in Nevada and Im proud of him for that. He wants for his sister, nephew and I to move to Nevada. Ummmmmm well I would love to be near him and my granddaughter. There are a couple issues I have......... One it would take a few thousand at least to move. Two I have friends here ( well kinda, dont want to move farther away than I already am) Three, there are no trees there and I do mean NONE and that freaks me out. ALOT. It seems very bleak there and kinda scary. I cant imagine life with no trees. If I ever do move out there I will have to have a seperate moving truck full of potted trees....... My grandson is VERY happy here , living in the apartment complex and having friends and busy days and so is my daughter. They are both already signing up for school and are happy enough here that even the idea of buying a house ( a distinct possibility in the not so distant future) causes a bit of apprehension. If we moved into a real house , there wouldnt be 30 kids to play with, or neighbors to work out at the gym with, no neighbors bringing us lasagna etc...... You know what? Its being kind of put in my face..... unintentionally.... How very reclusive and shy I really am. have basically been at my gym for a year. I go and work out on the machines and rarely speak. I always listen but I just dont have anything to contribute or dont feel I do and I dont know what to say so I dont speak unless spoken to. Neighbors- my daughter chats for hours with them and plans parties and easter egg hunts and b-b-q's etc etc etc. Then they see me outside and try to hold a conversation with me..........same thing. After a couple of polite questions/answers, I am at a loss for words and the conversation just dies. My daughter hadnt realized this before and neither had I really. Tho I have a few online friends who probably find this idea hilarious, its really true. I really am ......... I dont know how to put it. Reclusive? Shy, withdrawn? There must be a good descriptive word. I have not had many friends , real friends, not just nodding acquaintances in my life. I literally can count the ones I have had in the last say 20 years? On less than two hands . Normally I babble this crap to my friends online on IM. However no on is online, they have kinda given up on me being here and are busy with the holidays themselves sooooooo you get the joy of reading my babbles. Happy Easter! Have an untriggering holiday for those with Easter Issues. I'm going now I will probably be finding typos in this text for weeks.........

award

2009-04-04T23:13:00.000-07:00

I received this award from Jungletart and would like to thank her for it

spammers

2009-04-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

If anyone is getting offlines from me about acai berries stuff, then please let me know. I have gotten those offlines from two friends who later told me it was a trojan, that had to be removed. So I dont know if my messanger is doing the same thing or not. I dont want to inadvertantly spam anyone tho.

feeling pathetic

2009-03-22T14:46:00.000-07:00

I'm overwhelmed. I have had to be out and about in the public way too much lately. I have been able to maintain some sort of equilibrium by living very quietly and keeping my home quiet and stress free. Now I am not saying that I dont want my daughter and grandson here. I do. But even good stress is stress and it affects me. I've been taking her around to get assistance and into programs and such and it has put me outside my house ALOT. When I am home instead of quietly watching tv or reading or yakking on the net with my online friends I am constantly hearing "Mom", " Grandma". Its ummmm well it makes me feel like the mentally disabled person I am. I should be able to deal with all this. I feel I should. Its nothing major afterall. I love them both and stuff needs to be done. However I get stressed and it shows and I cant hide it. I am dropping stuff and falling alot and falling into depressions and anxiety and ............This situation is going to be long term if not for life and I need to somehow deal with it gracefully. The crappy part is that I WANT them here. My daughter is taking huge steps in improving herself and her life. My grandson is just as happy as a toddler can be living here and that stuff does make me happy. I am ashamed of not being able to deal with this stuff naturally. I am ashamed of being overwhelmed................

2009-03-21T17:03:00.000-07:00

Lets see, my daughters car was broken into and ripped apart. The police said they nearly got it and that they were definitely trying to steal it. They did take the radio and they tore up the steering column trying to hot wire it. It took forever just to get the key out once it had been put in. Then I spent last night listening to my grandson trying to breath. He doesnt mouth breath so he snorts and gasps and wheezes and then completely stops breathing and then he wakes up crying. He has a cold and the ER people said that possibly he has a deviated septum. Which you can basically do nothing about until they mature as they are still growing. All we can do is put him in a steamy bathroom, run the humidifier and squirt saline up his nose. My son had the same problem when he was a kid and had to have his sinuses drained more than once. (Sigh) Afterall this comotion mellows a bit I get online only to find that some of my friends are suicidal or "giving up" or "quitting" etc etc etc. How depressing.

long time no type

2009-03-12T14:00:00.000-07:00

Well I am recovered from the last lithotripsy and the results are in. As of the time of the last x-ray there were no stones in my kidneys. However they will repeat the x-rays in 6 months as there were two stones in the left kidney that have not been blasted and they could be hiding. Thats the good news. The bad news is that my GP called me and had me come in the same day as the x-ray was . My triglicerides and cholesterol and C-reactive proteins are all bad, out of control. Soooooo she changed mes and put me on a Mediterranean diet, somewhat modified. Basically I am to eat fish, chicken ( no skin ), fruits and vegies and olive oil. I can have brown rice and sweet potatos in small portions. I looked up the mediterrean diet online and they also say to eat lots of whole grains but she told me to stay away from fats and sugar. ( She considers me not diabetic yet but definetely insulin resistant). So I am eating as she said. Oh yeah I can also have small portions of tree nuts. This is a drastic change for me, but I have lost 2 pounds in like 4 days. I also rejoined the gym as when I was working out my boodwork was perfect. I feel I have to be as compliant as possible as right now my heart attack risk is very high. My daughter is in the process of balding my dog now. He's shrunk considerably and I may post a picture later

I spoke too soon

2009-02-27T20:45:00.000-08:00

A couple hours after I posted the last post I ended up back in ER in the same if not worse shape than last time. They tried morphine at first but it didnt help even a little it seemed and then they finally gave me Diladid and Torridol again................ much better. I am taking it very easy now.

We got one!

2009-02-26T15:23:00.000-08:00

We'll we went fishing today and caught a nice big rainbow trout. (pictured above with a proud little grandson holding it) I had lithotripsy tuesday and this time it wasnt quite as bad. I have been very very sick, unable to hold anything down for a couple days but I havent had the agonizing pain that I did last time. They got the last stone on the right side, so that is cleared up and after this one is recuperated from they can do the left and then hopefully I will never have to go thru this again.

2009-02-13T22:04:00.000-08:00

So.........I got my phone fixed........only to find the computer wouldnt work. The guy came back and found that he had broken one wire and fixed it so now the computer is back online. I have daughter and grandson moved in and boy was that a horrific move! We got hit with a massive rainstorm just as we were unloading the truck into storage. Then we had to drive thru it with no defroster. I was driving and my daughter had a squeegee going to keep the windows clear enough to see somewhat. We got to her house and switched vehicles to go up the mountain a short ways to pick up my grandson and then we got caught in a snowstorm. Luckily there was a man on the side of the road with a sign saying he would repair and put on snowchains. We happily paid him and got the baby and headed down the mountain. At one point we realized we were driving in the middle of two lanes and there was an SUV behind us. It passed us and guess what?, it was a police vehicle. Evidentally its ok to drive in the middle of two lanes in a snowstorm if you are only doing 20 miles an hour and have chains on LOL. However all the work is finally done except for unpacking and sorting a few boxes. My household now consists of 3 cats, a dog, an iguana, a cockatiel, several large fish, a daughter and best of all a grandson LOL

grrrrrrr

2009-02-06T13:06:00.000-08:00

First my phone went down. I had a friend come over and change the phone jack. After we did that we found out the problem was with the phone. I exchanged the phone I had and wa-lah!! Service!. The next morning............no internet access. Grrrrrr. Had another friend try and change that jack but the wires were colored differently than the wires on the jack. Call first friend back....he's just had a minor surgery but will be coming to fix the whole mess soon. Meanwhile I have no internet access. Just wanted to let you all know. I am using the library computer right now. The grandson is much better

messanger

2009-02-02T02:14:00.000-08:00

I think that maybe some of my friends have gotten their feelings hurt by seeing me signed in on MSN messanger and yet not talking to them. It seems my messanger has started signing me and out without consulting me. Please everyone, be aware that I am not ignoring anyone. If I dont answer I am away from my desk.

sick little one

2009-02-01T02:29:00.000-08:00

Some may be concerned bout my silence..... I've been away at my daughters house. My grandson came down with pneumonia in both lungs and it was a bit scary there for a couple days. he is doing better now. I'll add more later after I sleep. I've only slept 4 hours in the last 48 and I'm going to bed.

update?

2009-01-22T11:35:00.001-08:00

Right now its kinda of hard for me to blog. There is much to say but I cant say it without violating a trust. I can give you a little of the more superficial stuff. My daughter is moving in and I have had my grandson so that she can pack. However its going to be a nightmare moving her. Everything is a huge mess and there is soooooooo much stuff to be packed, disposed of, cleaning to be done etc etc etc. Basically there is only her and I to do this. In the midst of this I have also been trying to buy either a house or a mobile home and that is complicated also. I really need more room for them and this is a good time to buy. I have a chance at a doublewide mobile home that will only need small payments for 3 years and then I would only have to pay the park rent. That appeals to me. The park rent is $350 a month and it would be nice on my income to get down to just that in a couple years. Owning a house is a nice thought to as it is a better investment but if I do that I may not live to pay it off and be free of mortgage payments. However, then my kids would have some property to sell, live in or whatever. There is alot to consider. There is a certain loan I can get for people with low income that means I can basically just move in and start making payments. I was qualified completely for it but then they found some late payments on a car I co-signed for so all this has to be explained and documented and proved and it will take weeks to find everything and accomplish that. So I dont know yet if I am buying a house or a mobile home but I am pretty sure I am buying something. So we have one week to move an entire mess of a house, then get it into storage and get the house ready for the walk-thru. I have to put a bunch of my stuff in storage also to make room for them. On the 24th of next month I am having lithotripsy again and I may be moving again............. this is why I havent been online

Freaking meds!!

2009-01-11T20:21:00.001-08:00

These hives/rash extends from about 4 inches below my breasts to the pelvic area on the right side of my abdomen. I also have two failry large patches on back and behind both knees. I "think" it maybe caused by Tricor, a cholesterol medication they switched me to last month. Tomorrow of course I will be seeing a doctor. I am only showing part of the rash because its difficult to angle a camera yourself without exposing parts that shouldnt be shown to the public. Ignore the date on the picture. This is my husbands old camera and I dont have directions for it and therefor dont know how to change the date. The background on my blog shows thru so for a better (life sized LOL) veiw , click on the photo. FYI the scar is from very old gallbladder surgery

2009-01-08T12:00:00.000-08:00

I know that some of you are concerned. This is a public blog and I have learned in the past that once something is posted, even taking it down will not keep it from public eyes. Also I promised my daughter I would not tell anyone what has happened. I keep my promises so until she "relaxes" and gives permission I cannot post it here. She and my grandson are going to be living here . ( I can say this stuff) Right now she is packing her stuff and making arrangements. For those of you who have my IM and email addy, if you are still concerned use them and I will be a little bit less vague

I gave this to my daughter today and she was inspired by it

2009-01-07T23:01:00.000-08:00

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn
That love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t always mean security
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down
In mid-flight
After awhile you learn
That even sunshine burns
If you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone
To bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure
You really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn
And you learn
With every goodbye, you learn…..

by Veronica Shoftall and found in the book Icebound

2 out of 3 aint bad? prayer request

2009-01-07T00:26:00.000-08:00

I went to the urologist yesterday after having the x-rays. One more kidney stone has gone but there is still a large one left so next month I will be having lithotripsy again. Happy Happy Joy Joy -NOT!! The test results were in from testing the stones and bloodwork and they showed......drumroll please...........not a damn thing! No reason for me to have the stones. It was the Topamax. He believes me now. Of course he had to punch in the name of the medication on his little handheld thingy, but as soon as he did he saw my condition. Gee I've only been telling him for months. The first time I told him Topamax caused them he looked at me disbelievingly and said "thats very rare" Now he agrees. HMmmmm doctors listen to your patients. Mental doesnt equal stupid.
I cannot post what is going on due for reasons I cant say. I will say I am literally terrified for my daughter and am asking that anyone and everyone, pray, send good vibes, white light, whatever it is you may believe in please do it.

Recipe for happy boys

2008-12-28T12:57:00.000-08:00

Take two boys, dig up some damp dirt to make a nice loose pile. Add 3 Tonka trucks, 2 cups, two spoons , a big bowl, and one carton of nightcrawlers.

(Grandma Raines apecial recipe)

not fishing afterall maybe

2008-12-24T19:53:00.000-08:00

Today I went to the cemetery and then to my mother in laws for dinner. Because of the storms in this area I thought I wouldnt be able to go. My defroster doesnt work. However the rain was light and I managed to get there and leave before it got too cold. It was a case of everyone grieving (I found my husband dead on the floor one year ago today) and yet trying to make a decent holiday out of it. We just bought for the kids ( I have 5 step grandchildren from him) who seemed to enjoy the gifts I gave and we had a gift exchange. One where you can steal from others etc. I ended up with a Starbucks card which is good for me. I used it on the way home and got a vente white chocolate mocha to take home and spike with chocolate mint Bailey's. Days like today deserve a drink. IF the storms arent to bad, I will go to my daughters tomorrow. If they are then I will go fishing and go the next day. There has been some crisises up there and I will probably come home with my grandson. Thats hard to predict, he always wants to come with grandma but he will have a bunch of new stuff from Santa so he may not. I Kinda expect him and my daughter to moving in , in the not so distant future. I hope so. Its past time she started living in a wholesome environment with support. She can go to school and not worry bout the toddler being with a stranger. We will see. I cant control but only be here when the shit flies. Between the anniversary of my husbands death, worries bout my daughter and grandson, missing my son who I will not see until spring probably I was in a bad state of mind yesterday. Today is not alot better. However I will get thru and things will work out eventually. I was a bit ummm tense/ bitchy? I dont know what with my fishing buddy. He wants to be romantic. I dont feel romantic. I droped a small gift by there on the way home and he says "I called you earlierbut you werent home. Where were you?" My first thought was " I was having a orgy of course- what gives you the right to even ask" Then when I told him I had to go , today was a bad day he says " I cant say anything" I answer- what is there to say? He shrugs and say I hope you get over it. HELLO?!?! it was okay for you to grieve for 3 years but you dont like when I am grieving after one? I think after the holidays some things may need to be set straight. One I answer only to myself- EVER. I dont need a daddy, I am full grown woman and can think for myself. If I want to dissappear for a week I will. Two I have a right to my feelings and if you dont like them then dont be around. Three I am not his or anyone elses wife and have no plans to be. And if that situation changes I will still think for myself and have my feelings. Which means it is unlikely to change. T was the only man I have ever met that would allow me to be me and love me for it. He never took my illness manifesting personally and never felt a need to "supervise" me. I seriously doubt there is another of him around. I hope you all have as good of holidays as is possible for whatever situation you are in

F*** X-mas, I'm going fishing

2008-12-23T22:08:00.000-08:00

thats all I have to say

Seroquel dreams -possible trigger

2008-12-21T20:32:00.000-08:00

Does anyone else have "seroquel dreams"? if I am taking seroquel and my sleep gets disrupted then I remember them. This morning I was dreaming that a man was attacking me and I had a very sharp knife and cut his pinkie off. Then he got madder and tried again and I got the next finger....... I think that dream ending in me stabbing him in the gut. Not nice. Then I had another dream that I was someplace in the hills with a man and two kids. We saw fish in the water and they wanted me to go back for the poles and tackle. I was in the process of getting the mans solemn word he would keep an eye on the kids( evidentally I didnt trust him but if that was so why would I leave kids with him???) when the cat woke me yowling to go outside. I told her no and huddled in bed for a while and then figured what the heck, I dreamed about fishing , might as well do it. I got two serious bites and caught a castmaster (lure) before it started raining to hard to stay at the lake any longer.

not cool

2008-12-15T23:07:00.000-08:00

When I start to get hypomanic, my legs cant hold still. I sit there and am jiggling my foot constantly, nonstop. Or bouncing my knees. There are two kinds of mania, "euphoric" which is what I call happy mania. And "dysphoric which is what I call ugly mania. If you need explanations of these just ask. In my case both are preceded with jiggling, bouncing feet/legs. I have this friend who knows I am bi-polar. Friend says he has read up on it and understands ( highly doubtful- the understanding that is). Tonight he's here and we are watching the news. I start bouncing my leg. At this time I don't even realize I am doing it. He stares at my leg. I explain that I do that alot when I am tense or "hyper". So what does he do? He stares and stares and stares. I hint tactfully ( I thought) saying that staring at them wont make them stop. He still stares and asks me why it is the right leg and not the left and is it always just the right etc? I answer politely. He STILL keeps staring. Finally I say thru a clenched jaw "ok you are REALLY making me uncomfortable now" and he seems startled by the concept. Hello!!!! mental patient here manifesting physical symptoms!! DO NOT STARE!!or perhaps stare at your own risk might be appropriate. Bi-polar remember? geez I am seriously annoyed. I am probably overreacting but it just seems so insensitive and rude to me. I am sure he didn't mean it that way but still......

to you all

2008-12-13T23:48:00.000-08:00

I am reading your blogs. I just find myself "wordless" at this time. Cant think of anything to say....... Please know I care about you, I just cant talk really right now.

AGAIN!?!?! Are you KIDDING !?!?!?!?!

2008-12-08T11:30:00.000-08:00

I had my follow up appt this morning with the urologist immediately after having a K.U.B. ( kidneys, urethras, bladder x-ray. The x-ray showed two large pale areas- kidney stones. or maybe one and half kidney stones. I have another month and then redo the X-ray and appt. If those stones havent broken up and passed he wants to do another lithotripsy on the same kidney. Yeah sure, that was fun, lets do it again......... NOT!!!!!!!! For those of you who are diet soda fans, he said that all sodas were high in salts, even diet and that those salts are a big cause of kidney stones. He said they take years to build up a stone and my diet pepsi habit could have caused them (funny you said they werent there in May when you did the sonogram, but they suddenly appeared on the CT in October- HA get the story straight. I believe they were there but the sonogram just isnt as good as a CT and missed em.) I have been passing stone fragments and am STILL passing stone fragments. I passed 3 in their little urine bottle they want filled at every visit so I am hoping these things will break down and pass. I do NOT want to do this ever again!

2008-12-07T19:21:00.000-08:00

I swear, I have been thru alot of surgeries but this procedure was the freakiest, most painful, most frightening thing I have ever experienced and I thought ECT was bad. First there are the unbelievable, make you want to k*ll yourself to get away from it levels of pain. Then you have to strain your urine and collect any stone fragments to take in to be analyzed. When I have done this I have found purplish bits of kidney, pale peices of flesh ( dont know what or where they came from) and I have seen my urine bubble up and foam like dishsoap. Tomorrow I go in for the follow up appt and I am praying the stones are gone and they haven"t killed off my kidney or anything like that. This is an experience I DO NOT want to repeat and yet what I read says that if you have kidney stones once, you are very likely to have the same problem again within 5 years. UGH anyone want a kidney? Also there are still stones in the other kidney that werent as big and havent passed as far as I know.........

Expectations

2008-12-02T21:24:00.001-08:00

Well I am feeling somewhat better. At least that agonizing - would rather die than feel it any longer- pain is gone. I still have pain but its controllable somewhat. I can tolerate it with the meds. Yesterday I postponed my oral surgery. Too much pain left and I fell into depression and the thought of more to deal with at this time was just too much.
My friend Mark used to talk to me about "expectations" and how he didnt want to be in any kind of personal relationship ( at that time) because of them. I am starting to understand what he meant. Just so everyone knows this post is not because of anyone I know online. Its because of people I know offline so PLEASE dont anyone take this personally.
When I meet people,friends , potential boyfriends, whoever......... I carefully explain that I am bi-polar and what that might mean. I dont think anyone ever really listens. I come to times that I need to be alone, to be myself as I am at the moment without worrying about hurting anyones feelings. I need to be able to just read for hours, sleep whenever I feel the need, space off in TV land , etc. I get really frustrated when I see people feeling hurt because of this. They all seem to think that they should be allowed to be with me at any time at all and that they make no demands. Yet they do. No one feels ok being in a room with someone who ignores them, cant give them any attention, etc. Then I end up feeling "their expectations" and it puts pressure on me to give them what they want/need. Sometimes I cant. Its nothing against anyone personally. it doesnt mean I dont like them or enjoy their company. It simply means that at certain times, I am unavailable. T was the only person who got this and who could give me space without taking it personally. I think that it will be impossible to find another soul who can so sure of me that they can go for days/weeks at a time with minimal attention and be ok with that. Everybody I know cant go an hour. I try to keep them away during these times, but nobody gets it, or believes I am serious and they persist in getting their feelings hurt. Sometimes I think I should have no human contact outside my children and a couple special friends. It might be better. I wouldnt have to deal with "expectations" and my inability to fulfill them. I think everyone has them, its fairly normal but for me they dont work, they just cause stress. I am what I am and I cant predict what that will be on any given day and no one else should try to or expect me to be any particular way. I am sure that makes me a "person to avoid or an emotionally unavailable person" but I cant change it

2008-11-27T13:55:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a nightmare. Sera and partner were here in the morning. They had stayed over on their way elsewhere and I really enjoyed them and was very sorry to see them go. When I woke up yesterday I was in pain, but I could tolerate it. They left and the pain started getting worse. I called the doctor and after an hour and a second phone call he said I could double the Tylenol 3 I was taking. I did. Pain just got worse. I ended up in the ER in tears and hyperventilating it got so bad. I would rather go thru childbirth again , than to feel that pain again. They put me on IV narcotics along with meds for nausea. After a few hours I was sent home with Vicoden and something for nausea. forgot the name. Anyway its for chemo patients. I still got sick. But I prefer to take a pill and barf once and then feel better than to ever risk that pain again. The thing that scares me is that I havent passed a whole lot of anything yet. anyway, right now I feel ok and its thanksgiving. My daughter came yesterday and is cooking and "taking care of me". I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!!

so far so good

2008-11-25T10:21:00.000-08:00

I am home and at the moment the pain meds they gave me by IV are still working. I have a prescription and had some toast and so far so good. They said they wont really know how it went til next week when I do more x-rays and go back to the doctors office. But so far so good

this and that- update

2008-11-20T23:31:00.000-08:00

Ok lets see....... Sera... my lab paper says Glycohemoglobin, A1C. I am thinking that is what you were referring to. It also calls for a Comprehensive Metabolic Panel, a Lipid Panel and TSH, 3rd generation. Soul.... my kidney stones still hurt but that pain was overwhelmed by a bad tooth that I had treated the day before yesterday. Spent most of the weekend in agony that pain pills just wouldnt work on. At least not in the dosage the dentist provides...... Anyway, that particular tooth has been temporarily worked on and I will be having oral surgery to remove it Dec.2. Yes I am still having the lithotripsy ( blasting kidney stones) that will be next Tuesday. They had me sign a paper today that listed about 20 different ways I could die from this procedure and saying I understood them. YUCK.
Yesterday, my daughter had a personal crisis and was vomitting all over the place so I have my grandson right now. He's a riot and I just adore him. However he does exhaust me and I need to get to sleep as he will be up bright and early. We spent most of today, at the doctors and then the hospital, waiting and waiting and waiting somemore to have bloodwork, EKG and a visit with the pre-op nurse. I have to be at the hopsital at 5:30 in the morning the day of the procedure. Damn, not much point in sleeping that night! Ideally I should be home by 10:30. Night all

when it rains it pours

2008-11-20T02:06:00.000-08:00

I had my yearly exam today. The doctor sat down and looked serious and told me my fasting blood sugar had been 141. I am scheduled for alot of lab work, I have a list, but at this moment it looks as if I quite likely have joined the ranks of diabetics .CRAP

triggers and guilt

2008-11-15T01:00:00.000-08:00

I was with a friend earlier this evening. I had bought him a cockatiel for his birthday and we were in jolly spirits as we went to the petstore to get food dishes for the cage. On the way back - THAT song came on. The one I was hearing in my head while I was sleeping and T was dying on the floor alone. This song shatters me. Instant meltdown upon hearing it. Now its playing in my head again and all I can think is " he shouldnt have been alone, I should have woke up, shoulda woulda coulda -didnt."

a little upbeat news

2008-11-07T11:08:00.001-08:00

A friend of mine, (my fishing buddy) gave me one of his wifes purses. She only really had time to switch her stuff over before she passed and it is a nice purse, still new. He thought perhaps I could use it. I take it home, the next day I am looking at it, seeing how many pockets it has and where..... You know, "ok I can put this here and this there..." type of thing. In the hidden zippered pocket of the lining, the one us girls usually only know to look for?, I found 8 bankbooks and her ID and photos. HOLY SHIT! the bankbooks had balances of $4000- nearly $10,000 each and he had no idea they were in there. Of course I immediately called him to come and get them and told him to be more careful. He had given me everything I needed to rip off him , his kids and his grandkids royally. The license was still valid for another year. I dont know if it could have really been done or not, but it seemed like if it could have been, he had just handed me everything I needed to do it. Even her social security card was there. Honesty pays off in small ways tho. I returned everything safe and sound to him and last night he took me to play Bingo. He bought my cards and I bingoed twice in a row on the first two games!!! I had to share the first prize but got the second all to myself. I won a grand total of $317 !! YAY!! That goes into the rip out my teeth and get dentures fund. They want over $10,000 to fix my teeth, but IF the state hasnt cut that part of the budget also ( they cut the part that pays for my medicare and I will be losing about $100 a month starting now......) then Medi-cal will pay for my dentures if I pay a $1050 co-pay. Cash only, no payments allowed or they wont pay. I will have to have everything completed in a single month or I will have to pay this twice and there is no way I can do that. I dont even know if I can save the first time for it, but hey I have a nice start. Maybe next time I can win one of $1000 pots eh? Probably not but I can dream. I believe in karma......... maybe this proves it? For those that have been concerned, I am in pain almost daily. The mornings are ok, then the pain starts and I start popping darvocet. Some nights the darvocet isnt really enough, but Vicoden makes me sick and Oxycoton or whatever you call it scares me. So I make it thru. I am actually looking forward to the procedure on the 25th and getting rid of these stones. It will be nice to not have pain everyday.

ahhh shit

2008-10-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

Some of you may remember that earlier this year I had a bunch of tests because I was urinating blood. The tests didnt find anything. However, I kept urinating blood and then I started feeling severe pain in my right kidney and then the bloody urine would start. I started looking at my med list because everytime I have a problem the "specialists" cant figure out - its my meds. Guess what? Topamax causes kidney stones sometimes. I told my psychiatrist and she immediately started tapering me off Topamax, which as I have taken everything else and it either failed and/or I had serious side effects, leaves me left with no mood stabilizer. Oh joy. Then I went to my GP and told him. He sent me to have a CT the same day. The CT showed what either the sonogram didnt or what was just starting back in May. I have kidney stones. When the GP called with the referral back to the urologist I thought he said I have several small stones. I picked up the films yesterday and was looking at them, thinking to myself "those dont look so small to me....." I have 5 they can see on the films. 3 in the right kidney that are up to 10mm and in the left I have a 4mm and a 5mm stone. So..... I am having Extracorporeal shock wave lithotripsy on the 25th on the right kidney. This is basically, well they knock me out, then send high energy shock waves thru my kidney at the stones. The idea is to break them in small peices that will pass. He said that for 80% of people it works fine and they pass the broken bits - no problem. 15% are in such dire pain , they require injectable narcotics (uhoh) and for 5% they cant break the stones because they are either too hard or in a bad spot. Oh yeah- NOT. I am like the QUEEN of side effects and now I am wondering if I can inject myself.............I got an injection certificate from Andon Medical College and I have given injections to others. I've never injected myself tho. Ah well I guess if it hurts enough I will manage. Then after they do the right, I will have to go back in and do the left. I have to say I am a bit nervous. They cant do both kidneys at once because if the particles happen to block one off , then you need the other kidney functional , so they cant risk it. So I get to do this twice. OH SHIT.
P.S. the 25th is two days before Thanksgiving. Somehow I think there is a possiblity I WONT be cooking this year.......

Bodacious Blog Buddies Award

2008-10-22T17:53:00.001-07:00

I got this award from Jungletart. Thanks Tart! I would like to pass it on to Sera, Tand, Kate, Soul , Jane , S'onnie and Surgeon in my dreams. I know you guys will pass it on further so I wont name "everybody"

Dont much care for almost dead or looks dead either

2008-10-19T01:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was spent online refreshing a certain blog over and over again to see if a young woman I know of in blog world was going to live. She took a massive overdose and somehow got very very lucky and puked it up I guess before it did alot of damage. She's happy to be alive now so thats something I guess. I'm happy she is also. It was a very bad time waiting and waiting to hear..........once I heard she was gonna be alright , I accepted a friends invitation and we went to the casino to play bingo. We played, didnt win but had fun. Then we had dinner and on the way back I was looking out the window as he drove. We were driving thru Madera I saw a freaking body laying on the sidewalk under a streetlight. This shit always happens to me. If its weird , freaky , unusual, it happens to me. So I yell pull over and we go round the block and come back. Friend is saying "dont get out, dont touch him". I'm like of course I am getting out, give me your phone. I called 911 and they had already had a report and the police were supposed to be on the way. I went over and checked him, he was in what would be a really really uncomfortable position and it was obvious he had fallen there and not gotten up. I leaned over and heard.........snoring. Ok, hes not dead. He's not bleeding. I dont see any obvious wounds and hes breathing ok. I'll leave him for the police. I waited and a guy in a truck across the street yells to me " is he alive?" I answered and it seems that was the first call to the police but of course that man wasnt getting out of his vehicle either. Probably this man was drunk or on heroin, its common there , but how the heck could anyone know if they didnt check. He could have had a heart attack and fallen on the spot. Could have been stabbed or shot and been bleeding to death and need pressure on a wound. Could be a drug overdose that needs an ambulance. It was bovious he wasnt getting up anytime soon, nobody would lay like that for any length of time and if someone was gonna do a "set-up " and play dead and then attack people that came to help they surely wouldnt do it on a busy street and they wouldnt be laying the way he was. It would hurt to lay like that for any length of time. His limbs would have been numb and he wouldnt have been able to get up fast. People are frightened. SO frightened that they will hide in the cars and possibly let someone die out of fear. This saddens me. A little while later 3 hispanic men that didnt speak english, one barely did, came running up to see if they could help. All the "white american citizens" just hid in their cars. This shames me. I am ashamed of my country and my people. The police came Finally and his first reaction was that the man was drunk. Once they were there I went back to the car but I do believe they had called an ambulance as I heard the siren before we pulled away. Anyway when I got home I was shaken and wired up. I got online and talked to a friend online til like 5 this morning and then still had trouble sleeping. Started to sleep and the doorbell rang about 10:30. I woke up in tears. Stayed up for a couple hours and then went back to bed and slept til 9:00 tonight. Which pretty much sucks as I have to get up early andgo to traffic school and I dont see how I am gonna do that now...... Its an 8 hour class and I have to be there at 7:45 and I need an hour to drive. Its nearly 2 a.m. now. If I take anything I wont wake up. If I dont I wont sleep and I will be taking the class and driving with no sleep "sigh"

grrrrrrr

2008-10-15T00:23:00.000-07:00

doorbell rings, I answer and let someone in
"whatcha doing"
Me-"watching this show"
" oh , blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"
Wouldnt you think if someone tells you that they are watching something that you could wait until the commercial to yak? Its not a crisis. This happens to me ALOT. I swear I am ready to stop answering my door or my phone if I am watching a program. I have had a couple people say they are going to watch with me. Then they talk all the way thru the show and I cant hear it over them. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Aftermath

Things about moving that I am looking forward to

Mago

Merry Christmas

I'm back

here is what is happening

update on Mom

Its not about me

waiting on insurance

spasms

conversation with grandson

dumb reasons to smoke

a problem

wrong meds

lonely

WOO HOO!! I'm back!!

just a ramble

when does it end ?

stuck on idle

testing

Scammers

an update

Great News!

dentists

Clarification

possible trigger

not doing so well

So I got this award from Soul

Glaucoma?

I'm still here

Thank- you friends

To Crazy Tracy

UGH

Here is a post?

Happy Thanksgiving ?

in memory of

Copied from the best of Craigslist

hmmmmmm

Swine Flu

Welcome to the world

Tests and things

oh shit, not again

Maybe it worked?

Stalker and the police

death death death, I'm tired of it already

ramble on

Long overdue update

a new family member

more %$*@(*#&(@*& SURGERY!!!!

I want him back

miscellaneous ranting

Crazy shit happening to me again

just a ramble

award

spammers

feeling pathetic

long time no type

I spoke too soon

We got one!

grrrrrrr

messanger

sick little one

update?

Freaking meds!!

I gave this to my daughter today and she was inspired by it

2 out of 3 aint bad? prayer request

Recipe for happy boys

not fishing afterall maybe

F*** X-mas, I'm going fishing

Seroquel dreams -possible trigger

not cool

to you all

AGAIN!?!?! Are you KIDDING !?!?!?!?!

Expectations

so far so good

this and that- update

when it rains it pours

triggers and guilt

a little upbeat news

ahhh shit

more %$@(#&(@*& SURGERY!!!!