I haven't posted for a while and I know that a few of my more tenacious friends worry when I don't. As you may have feared I am not doing real well at the moment. I've had a bit of pretty serious depression followed by fairly strong mania and then back to depression again, I'd started taking my meds as suggested . I am taking the maximum dose of Ativan that I am allowed by my shrink ( 1mg twice a day) for the sciatica. It seems it works as a muscle relaxant just as valiuum does. I was sideswiped by a massive panic attack Sunday. I have had these before and twice after the mega ones people I loved started dying, It may be delusion but I feel that someone is going to die and I dont know who and it is going to be very bad. Yesterday I had another one. I called my shrink and she allowed me another half a dose of risperdal during the day and another 1mg Ativan. I see her again Friday and we will talk more then. Just now I was coming home from taking the child to school and I hear a song on the radio that goes " I would give anything I own, even my heart, my life, my home just to have you back again" This triggered weeping and grief over Torrey. I would give anything to have him back again but there is no hope of retrieving someone from death. My daughter got so shook up by my condition that she suggested ECT again. Not happening. I want to remember my grandson and what he likes and dislikes etc etc. Everyone once in a while when I am feeling welll, I start checking the general schedule and see what I would be making if I could go back to work. Dreaming you know. I would be getting approx $20 per hour if I went back right now, That is considerably more than I am getting now. SO I dream a bit thinking some med might actually work and I could go back to work and buy a car and ......................... Well when I did this this time and was looking up what was needed to be taken back....... there has to be a physical and one that checks your eyes for no evidence of chronic eye disease. I have two of 3 indications of glaucoma and I am afraid that my safety net (going back to work) is now gone. I dont think they would take me back even if I was mentally able. Depressing
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
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13 comments:
Raine, You are fighting one tough battle but you have been for quite awhile. I wish I could come up with some fabulous piece of information that would make it all better. Know this you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know how easy it is to get depressed because going thru the stuff i have in my house has sent me down a dark road more than once lately.
Keep thinking about your grandson,take your meds and keep in touch. Love ya, Joyce
wish we could post something positive and upbeat for you but.....we cant all we can say is we hope you feel better really soon and we are thinking about you.
Raine, I can understand your pain. This disease "kills" hope. I know I hate it. I just got out of the hospital and am getting ECT now. I feel useless. I used to be a nursing supervisor with lots of responsibility. Now I can do nothing. I hope things get better. The medicine does help. We will try to hang in there together. Don't forget to give that grand baby loving. Bless you my friend.
hey girlie-- sorry i haven't been around much. i won't even try to make an excuse. cept that i don't make it everywhere much at all anymore. i am sorry-- really. especially when i see that you're havin a hard time. i do wish we lived closer-- so i could go drag you off to go fishin with me on the days i drag my own self. i went yesterday-- and got two- not so big- but they were fun. i watched one shake the hook out too-- man, i hate it when they do that!
so. i assume when you say that you're taking meds "as suggested" -- that there was a period that you weren't??? don't kick yourself--- 'we' all do that now and again. wish i knew why. it's hard for 'us' not to, for some reason. or even worse - to not go of altogether. so-- hey-- some understand if ya messed up. we all do. on occasion. just get back on track-- and it sounds like you are-- you'll feel better in no time. i think you know that.
as bad as it is-- 'we' have to depend on those meds-- we also have to stay diligent on the schedule of takin the damn thing. as sucky as it is. i hate it as much as you- or the next guy. i really hate it. on more pill and i could choke myself. but hey-- our lives and daily serenity and sanity depend on it.
so you just 'do the next right thing' -- and live your life -- ahead of you. what's behind you -- has to be left there. same for me.
big ole hugs to you--
take that boy fishin-- k? i know it's nice out there-- i wanna see him-- and YOU with a fishy :)) soon.
i think of ya - alot more than you know i do. k?
One day at a time Raine...that's all anyone can ask, and sometimes, that's all we can do.
It's going to be OK :)
RAine I am so sorry you are having a tough time. you are in my thoughts
(((((((hugs))))))))
sonnie
Don't allow this to depress you. There's a child to be taken care of. There's work to be done.
You are needed!
Checking in to see how you are....
Stay strong Raine!! Sending you love and positive vibes
I was just wondering... would you miss being depressed/bipolar, if you weren't, anymore? That seems like a bit of a weird question, even as I read it back, but it kinda popped into my head, when I read your post, and I have a habit of saying what's on my mind...
Feel free to ignore.
Matt
Hei, just dropping by.
So sorry things are difficult for you right now... will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
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