Here is a post?

There have been a few people asking me to update. Ok. I've been taking things one small step at a time. Its the only way I can even come close to dealing. First I sent for the insurance pamplets and then refused to think about insurance until they got here. As they arrived they went onto a pile - not available in my area is where most of them went. There was a thats way too expensive pile and maybe can do it pile. The maybe can do it pile ended up with two choices. I could keep the insurance I have and travel to Fresno (over an hour away) to see doctors or I could pay another $50 a month and keep my doctors. On the last day of open season I decided to keep my doctors. I'll deal with the money next month when its time as there is nothing I can do about anything right now. So I try not to allow myself to worry until its time to worry. Doesnt always work but sometimes........ The holidays are hard. Very hard. I just want to be alone and go to bed and get up when they are over but I have kids and grandkids and cant do that. I used to like Christmas but now its just a misery to get thru without anyone realizing just how bad off I am so that I dont spoil the holiday for those that do still love it. I'm lonely and horny (freaking bi-polar does that to me, even when I dont feel the least romantic my body goes off at the worst times) However there is no one to enact that symptom upon so its just another "pain" to go with the others. I'm off meds. The hip pains were from the Risperdal and they also went into my neck. I see my shrink tomorrow but I am feeling rather hopeless as I cant afford any new meds and they all just cause problems anyway. I will have to wait til I get my new insurance card, call them and co-ordinate benefits, see my new Primary Care Physician and then get referred back to my shrink. What a royal pain in the butt! I know reading this is probably depressing as all get out. Hopefully once this holiday has passed I can cycle out of this hole I am in.