I was looking thru my old blog today for a picture to show a friend. I just scanned it because I am still easily triggered into grief.But I was struck by how much I used to write. I guess I felt more free to voice my thoughts when my whole family wasnt online. It used to be just me and I didnt have to worry about who might read what I had written. Whenever I got upset I would write about it. However sometimes I am upset by family members and sometimes I dont know if its justified or if its just me being bi-polar. I would vent in a safe place (on my blog) and get it out and feel some relief. Sometimes I would find that I eventually realized it was me and my illness reacting to others and sometimes I have found that I am justified in my feelings. Thats the bitch about being bi-polar. Is it real or is it bi-polar? I like to wait and give my emotions time before I act on any of them.
yesterday I took a friend to a military station bout an hour away to get an ID. My mom's house is on the way. I was going to stop on the way back and visit but when I called I had woken her up and she spoke to me in this voice.......... a long suffering, hostile, why the heck do you bother me type of voice. Soooooo being mega sensative, I didnt stop. My feelings were hurt. After I had been home for a couple hours she called in a happy chipper voice wanting to know if I was still coming. Nope I went home a different way and am already home. Thing is, my rational thats my mom when she gets woken up , way of thinking just doesnt prevent the hurt feelings. My daughter was talking to me in a shitty tone of voice all day too. At least thats what I felt. So i was feeling hurt all around. The my daughter noticed how depressed I was and that I was coughing and made me something to eat and cleaned up the kitchen, which is very rare for her. Am I the only one so sensative? I have posted bout stuff like this before but I really really dont know. It seems to me that every is snippy and they all ummmmmm take it in stride? People who care about each other that is? I cant. I dont know if its the illness or being over sensative or if I just dont fit in this world but it hurts me when people talk shitty to me. It throws me into depression and bed. I dont know how to grow a thicker skin ......... so ........ are you all able to snipe at each other and not be shattered by it?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Posted by Raine at 12:11 AM
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9 comments:
I am very word and tone sensitive too.
I have a very tough outer shell and a very sensitive inner core. I am easily hurt by tones and choice words just as Deb is. But for me I normally compensate for my sensitivity with a harder outer shell. Not always the best approach.
It was good to hear from you on my blog! Thanks for checking in!
Thank you for stopping by Raine! Good to hear from you! I will comment on your post later, at the moment I am simply exhausted. My brain turned to jelly.
well to be honest myself i am hurt easily by what people say and how they say it to me, i tend to think the same way as you. But it depends on who is out how badly the feelings get hurt. I get hurt very easy and sometimes think its not them its me being a crybaby but others think differently. In this family you need to have a tough shell though because that is how everyone speaks to each other on a daily basis so thats one reason one i do not show myself when we are at their homes because i get hurt easy and thats not a good thing around here. anyway blah blah blah so ya, if you want to think of yourself as a crybaby i will gladly be one with you lol
Jordyn
I think it is not "over-sensitive" to react to a certain tone or "voice". I think the "tone" generally has changed a bit. When I come to people in private to visit, I am samotimes really astounded over the, well "tone", I ahve no better word for it. And in my own private life I must admit that Sometimes I am pretty set back or hurt by some remarkes. The problem is that I am working a lot at untimely hours and my partner is working a lot at other times ... in the end it is a communication problem, maybe, hopefully. But generally I think, besides all the individual points/topics howyacallit, the tone has changed, at least here where I live.
I don't know Raine. Sometimes the snippy things really hurt us and sometimes our reaction is "whatever, moron". When it is people we really care about, then it tends to be hurtful more often...but there are still times when we don't really notice, or take it as something to do with them in the moment (like Diana had the flu, and along with it was an attitude!). I lean towards *maybe* it's *partly* your bipolar disorder. But then I also wonder if maybe it has to do with past relationship...the thing with your mother is what makes me wonder this. I could be completely off n this, but it made me think of how just the sound of my mother's voice on the answering machine can throw me back into that little girl begging for and not getting what she needs from mom...and of course in my case, this causes rapid switching. I just wonder if something like that is going on sometimes for you.
I also think tat part of this is *just* temperament. Maybe you ARE more sensitive than the *average* person. That's not necessarily a bad thing...it just *is*. In fact, this can be a good thing...how many other people do you know that got up at 6am (when they probably didn't go to bed until 4am), in order to be online just in case their friend's very sick kitty passed away during the night? Only someone who is a bit more sensitive would do something like that.
J
P.S. The word verification is denut...de nut...that SO fits us! lol
I know how it feels to be hurt by a word or a tone, I am that way, too. I don't let it show, though, and that only hurts me in the long run. It's funny, we are here talking about how NOT to react to hurtful things, but shouldn't we be talking to those that hurt us? Shouldn't "they" learn how to not hurt others? Perhaps sensitivity training is in order for them..
Hope you are well. I have missed your regular blogging. Hugs.
Jamie, in my humble opinion, has made a very good point:
"It's funny, we are here talking about how NOT to react to hurtful things, but shouldn't we be talking to those that hurt us?"
I definitely have to work on how to talk to people, be they close or more distant, whose tone or remark is hurting. I have not time and place/space for this, energy ... and I am through with taking shit in.
"Thats the bitch about being bi-polar. Is it real or is it bi-polar?"
I couldn't agree more Raine. Most of the time I assume it is just the bipolar but I feel terribly vulnerable.
I've stopped blogging mainly because I felt paranoid about other people I feature in my blog finding it. I do sometimes really miss the annonymous venting.
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