Recipe for happy boys

Take two boys, dig up some damp dirt to make a nice loose pile. Add 3 Tonka trucks, 2 cups, two spoons , a big bowl, and one carton of nightcrawlers.

(Grandma Raines apecial recipe)

not fishing afterall maybe

Today I went to the cemetery and then to my mother in laws for dinner. Because of the storms in this area I thought I wouldnt be able to go. My defroster doesnt work. However the rain was light and I managed to get there and leave before it got too cold. It was a case of everyone grieving (I found my husband dead on the floor one year ago today) and yet trying to make a decent holiday out of it. We just bought for the kids ( I have 5 step grandchildren from him) who seemed to enjoy the gifts I gave and we had a gift exchange. One where you can steal from others etc. I ended up with a Starbucks card which is good for me. I used it on the way home and got a vente white chocolate mocha to take home and spike with chocolate mint Bailey's. Days like today deserve a drink. IF the storms arent to bad, I will go to my daughters tomorrow. If they are then I will go fishing and go the next day. There has been some crisises up there and I will probably come home with my grandson. Thats hard to predict, he always wants to come with grandma but he will have a bunch of new stuff from Santa so he may not. I Kinda expect him and my daughter to moving in , in the not so distant future. I hope so. Its past time she started living in a wholesome environment with support. She can go to school and not worry bout the toddler being with a stranger. We will see. I cant control but only be here when the shit flies. Between the anniversary of my husbands death, worries bout my daughter and grandson, missing my son who I will not see until spring probably I was in a bad state of mind yesterday. Today is not alot better. However I will get thru and things will work out eventually. I was a bit ummm tense/ bitchy? I dont know what with my fishing buddy. He wants to be romantic. I dont feel romantic. I droped a small gift by there on the way home and he says "I called you earlierbut you werent home. Where were you?" My first thought was " I was having a orgy of course- what gives you the right to even ask" Then when I told him I had to go , today was a bad day he says " I cant say anything" I answer- what is there to say? He shrugs and say I hope you get over it. HELLO?!?! it was okay for you to grieve for 3 years but you dont like when I am grieving after one? I think after the holidays some things may need to be set straight. One I answer only to myself- EVER. I dont need a daddy, I am full grown woman and can think for myself. If I want to dissappear for a week I will. Two I have a right to my feelings and if you dont like them then dont be around. Three I am not his or anyone elses wife and have no plans to be. And if that situation changes I will still think for myself and have my feelings. Which means it is unlikely to change. T was the only man I have ever met that would allow me to be me and love me for it. He never took my illness manifesting personally and never felt a need to "supervise" me. I seriously doubt there is another of him around. I hope you all have as good of holidays as is possible for whatever situation you are in

F*** X-mas, I'm going fishing

thats all I have to say

Seroquel dreams -possible trigger

Does anyone else have "seroquel dreams"? if I am taking seroquel and my sleep gets disrupted then I remember them. This morning I was dreaming that a man was attacking me and I had a very sharp knife and cut his pinkie off. Then he got madder and tried again and I got the next finger....... I think that dream ending in me stabbing him in the gut. Not nice. Then I had another dream that I was someplace in the hills with a man and two kids. We saw fish in the water and they wanted me to go back for the poles and tackle. I was in the process of getting the mans solemn word he would keep an eye on the kids( evidentally I didnt trust him but if that was so why would I leave kids with him???) when the cat woke me yowling to go outside. I told her no and huddled in bed for a while and then figured what the heck, I dreamed about fishing , might as well do it. I got two serious bites and caught a castmaster (lure) before it started raining to hard to stay at the lake any longer.

not cool

When I start to get hypomanic, my legs cant hold still. I sit there and am jiggling my foot constantly, nonstop. Or bouncing my knees. There are two kinds of mania, "euphoric" which is what I call happy mania. And "dysphoric which is what I call ugly mania. If you need explanations of these just ask. In my case both are preceded with jiggling, bouncing feet/legs. I have this friend who knows I am bi-polar. Friend says he has read up on it and understands ( highly doubtful- the understanding that is). Tonight he's here and we are watching the news. I start bouncing my leg. At this time I don't even realize I am doing it. He stares at my leg. I explain that I do that alot when I am tense or "hyper". So what does he do? He stares and stares and stares. I hint tactfully ( I thought) saying that staring at them wont make them stop. He still stares and asks me why it is the right leg and not the left and is it always just the right etc? I answer politely. He STILL keeps staring. Finally I say thru a clenched jaw "ok you are REALLY making me uncomfortable now" and he seems startled by the concept. Hello!!!! mental patient here manifesting physical symptoms!! DO NOT STARE!!or perhaps stare at your own risk might be appropriate. Bi-polar remember? geez I am seriously annoyed. I am probably overreacting but it just seems so insensitive and rude to me. I am sure he didn't mean it that way but still......

to you all

I am reading your blogs. I just find myself "wordless" at this time. Cant think of anything to say....... Please know I care about you, I just cant talk really right now.

AGAIN!?!?! Are you KIDDING !?!?!?!?!

I had my follow up appt this morning with the urologist immediately after having a K.U.B. ( kidneys, urethras, bladder x-ray. The x-ray showed two large pale areas- kidney stones. or maybe one and half kidney stones. I have another month and then redo the X-ray and appt. If those stones havent broken up and passed he wants to do another lithotripsy on the same kidney. Yeah sure, that was fun, lets do it again......... NOT!!!!!!!! For those of you who are diet soda fans, he said that all sodas were high in salts, even diet and that those salts are a big cause of kidney stones. He said they take years to build up a stone and my diet pepsi habit could have caused them (funny you said they werent there in May when you did the sonogram, but they suddenly appeared on the CT in October- HA get the story straight. I believe they were there but the sonogram just isnt as good as a CT and missed em.) I have been passing stone fragments and am STILL passing stone fragments. I passed 3 in their little urine bottle they want filled at every visit so I am hoping these things will break down and pass. I do NOT want to do this ever again!

I swear, I have been thru alot of surgeries but this procedure was the freakiest, most painful, most frightening thing I have ever experienced and I thought ECT was bad. First there are the unbelievable, make you want to k*ll yourself to get away from it levels of pain. Then you have to strain your urine and collect any stone fragments to take in to be analyzed. When I have done this I have found purplish bits of kidney, pale peices of flesh ( dont know what or where they came from) and I have seen my urine bubble up and foam like dishsoap. Tomorrow I go in for the follow up appt and I am praying the stones are gone and they haven"t killed off my kidney or anything like that. This is an experience I DO NOT want to repeat and yet what I read says that if you have kidney stones once, you are very likely to have the same problem again within 5 years. UGH anyone want a kidney? Also there are still stones in the other kidney that werent as big and havent passed as far as I know.........

Expectations

Well I am feeling somewhat better. At least that agonizing - would rather die than feel it any longer- pain is gone. I still have pain but its controllable somewhat. I can tolerate it with the meds. Yesterday I postponed my oral surgery. Too much pain left and I fell into depression and the thought of more to deal with at this time was just too much.
My friend Mark used to talk to me about "expectations" and how he didnt want to be in any kind of personal relationship ( at that time) because of them. I am starting to understand what he meant. Just so everyone knows this post is not because of anyone I know online. Its because of people I know offline so PLEASE dont anyone take this personally.
When I meet people,friends , potential boyfriends, whoever......... I carefully explain that I am bi-polar and what that might mean. I dont think anyone ever really listens. I come to times that I need to be alone, to be myself as I am at the moment without worrying about hurting anyones feelings. I need to be able to just read for hours, sleep whenever I feel the need, space off in TV land , etc. I get really frustrated when I see people feeling hurt because of this. They all seem to think that they should be allowed to be with me at any time at all and that they make no demands. Yet they do. No one feels ok being in a room with someone who ignores them, cant give them any attention, etc. Then I end up feeling "their expectations" and it puts pressure on me to give them what they want/need. Sometimes I cant. Its nothing against anyone personally. it doesnt mean I dont like them or enjoy their company. It simply means that at certain times, I am unavailable. T was the only person who got this and who could give me space without taking it personally. I think that it will be impossible to find another soul who can so sure of me that they can go for days/weeks at a time with minimal attention and be ok with that. Everybody I know cant go an hour. I try to keep them away during these times, but nobody gets it, or believes I am serious and they persist in getting their feelings hurt. Sometimes I think I should have no human contact outside my children and a couple special friends. It might be better. I wouldnt have to deal with "expectations" and my inability to fulfill them. I think everyone has them, its fairly normal but for me they dont work, they just cause stress. I am what I am and I cant predict what that will be on any given day and no one else should try to or expect me to be any particular way. I am sure that makes me a "person to avoid or an emotionally unavailable person" but I cant change it