Raine's Days

Enough time has passed and I have checked the search engines. A search of his name no longer brings up Raine's Days so I have reopened it. I will continue posting here but any who want to read what happened are free to go there and read. I will link it. Just click on the link on the right that says "Raine's Days".

I MISS THEM

I swear grief is like a baseball bat. It just comes up and slaps you in the gut. I get T all the time but today I am sitting here talking to Mysti and all of sudden I am thinking Mage you asshole- you should be here talking to me!! and I am in tears.(Sorry for the profanity Mage's mom) I am thinking bout the silly conversations we had bout fishing lures and how he didnt think there were really scallops in California or that we really had seafood LOL even tho we had all this coastline.His attempts to speak Spanish. I think he was telling his customers he loved them or something, I cant remember exactly what it was but it was hilarious. He had asked someone how to say something and I think they were messing with him and they had told him wrong on purpose. We talked about bi-polar, we talked about fish, we talked about cooking, we talked about books, we talked about religions and spirituality and our moms and our families and our friends and music and carpentry and dogs and the woods and the lakes and the people where he lived. I miss him SO MUCH. THere are people I talk to almost everyday. Just a few. Mage was one of them. I talk alot about losing my husband. I lived with him. But in reality I actually spoke more to Mage I think in words. I knew him for about 6 years and spoke to him probably 4 or 5 nights a week on average. There were times of silence and times of talking every night. There were live phone calls. There books sent back and forth. He even talked to T once or twice. He planned to come and visit someday when he visited his brother in Arizona but that never happened. I have been going to these hospice classes but walked out the week before last cause they triggered me so badly. The woman knew my story and yet she starts talking bout how her mother (this is the social worker teaching the class) sits up in the end of her disease and says " i just talked to god and I am going to live thru christmas. I'm not going to die at christmas and leave my family with bad memories for the holidays. And she did and died in January. The thing is that T wanted so badly to live thru Christmas. Thats all he wanted because he did not want to die at christmas and leave his family with bad memories and he didnt make it. He died christmas eve morning and I found his body. So she tells this story, probably not thinking , but it rips my heart out. I tried to maintain and couldnt. I walked out of there in near hysterical tears and hit the restroom, and bawled my eyes out. Popped some ativan and and then walked outside, grabbed Sera who was waiting for me and went and bought cigarettes. I havent quit again yet. I am going to but I havent as of yet. Funny thing, when I had Sera check my face to see if I was looking ok enough to walk in the store she was kinda of startled to see how little of the horrible grief she had seen minutes before showed. Maybe this is why people dont realize (including doctors sometimes) just how ill I am. I hide it well. It doesnt show on me like it does some people. I can bawl hysetrically and then wash my face and walk out in public and unless you see the little tiny red spots on my eyes you wont know. If I put on make up you will never know. Anyway, Im babbling. My mother in law thinks I should go back anyway. I dont know. I know today I miss Mage horribly. The last two days T's music keeps playing in my head. I MISS MY GUYS!!!

racing, fireworks, bugs and fishmissiles

Came back from camping and havent had a chance to post yet, I will soon but this is why. I picked up my daughter and grandson for the 4th. We went to the local speedway, which opens to the public free every 4th of July. My daughter THOUGHT we would be sitting there bored for hours before the fireworks show, HA! Grandma always knows best. Someday when she is 60 shes gonna remember that. We get there just as the cars are starting and my grandson is hearing them revving up and his head is swiveling around " whats that whats that?!?!!" We get our seats and there they go. He sees em and yells " Lightening McQueen Mom!!!" One of them was red. Another had a cookie monster hanging out the window. There was a tow truck that was of course named "Mater". They ran on a small dirt track that started out wet. They would put about twenty cars on it and they were supposed to run about 30 laps. The thing was that for the most part they could only make it about 2 laps without a crash. Then on would come the tow truck or the jeep or the tractor to come and push or pull cars off the track. At one point there was a 10 car pile up directly in front of where we were sitting. My grandson quickly began mimicking the guys on the track, and began directing cars with hand signals and if they didnt respond fast enough he would jump up and down yelling " go cars go!!!". The first crash he saw he said " thats car is broke Mom- I go fix it" LOL. The stands quickly filled with other children with poppers and they had fun catching confetti strings together and draping them on their heads between races. This was followed by a really great fireworks display ,which being not yet 3 he was awed by.
The next day we introduced him to the pool at my apartment complex. He took one look and said " thats TOOOOO water." When my daughter tried to carry him he screamed " I'm gonna die!!!!" so he played around the edge of the pool with his truck while mom and grandma floated around inside. Then he found a bug. Mom told him " Dont touch that bug UGH" Grandma goes hmmmmmmm. Looks around a bit. " OOHHHH GROSSS I see a REALLY UGLY bug!!!" Baby " Where Grandma" " Right here in the water" " Get it!!!" " No way- its to scary!! I'm not touching it- you come get it" " No grandma you get it" " uh huh- you come get it, I'm not touching it, I'll help you, you can ride on grandma and get it" With the help of a Junebug floating in the water and another particular ugly fuzzy bug my grandson came in and rode on Grandma's back and looked for bugs. He had to look himself cause Grandma cant see so good you know.......... The next day I bought out fish missiles and we took turns picking em up with our feet. He on the stairs and I in the deeper water after he threw them. He would throw all but one and then I would take him by one hand, he had a fish in the other. His fish had eyes so he would hold it in the water and it would look for the other fish. When it found one I would pick it up with my feet and hand it to him. This left him holding me by one hand and kicking around with his feet and floating. Fast forward to yesterday . I ask him do you want to go to the store with Grandma? " He starts crying. What? No grandma- swimming pool!!. Last night at 8:30 he is wearing water wings that my landlady brought out and said to return when he goes home and he is bicycling his legs as fast as they will go thru the water back and forth across the pool, trying to evade Mom and Grandma yelling " I NOT going home!! I a fishy!! I swimmin!!!" My landlady is standing on the side of the pool laughing asking " isnt that the boy who was " gonna die"?

Friend award

I got this friendship award from S'onnie. Thank you so much S'onnie. I am honored. I started to list all the people I wanted to give it to and it became very long. All of you who have commented on my blog and on whose blogs I have commented on are special to me and I consider you friends. I want all of you have it. Some says this spoils the giving of it to others because I already gave it to everyone but I dont see why you cant just give it again and those people cant list who all they got it from! I just cant list a few people and leave others out. You are all dear to me. This thing is supposed to glitter but I cant figure out how to make it do so. If you follow it back to the blogs that it came from it glitters on theirs. Maybe on of you who are more computer savvy can figure it out.

Camping

I'm going camping. Sera, S-girl and I are going to be meeting up at Bass Lake again as we have done the last couple years for a few days. It started out S-girl and H and family were camping there and we went up to meet S-girl and ended up going back the next day. The next year we went again and stayed over. Now we will be staying 3 nights. These are really wonderful people and I really am looking forward to it.

better picture

now that I posted that horrible picture of Charlie below I need to put up a better one.

huh?

This picture is currently displayed on my messangers. Today a guy that I used to talk to long ago IMed me and asked me " whose picture is that on your your IM there?"okayyyyyyy I know the picture is small and blurry but WTF? okay I cant resist. Thats me guys didnt you know? My mother married the shaggy DA.