Happy Thanksgiving ?

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. Now I'm gonna whine. It is the Risperdal causing the hip pain and the muscle rigidity or spasms or whatever you want to call it also moved up into my neck, at the base of my skull. So I had to quit taking the Risperdal. Doing so plunged me into depression or maybe its just my cycle having been interrupted by the Risperdal simply resumed. The depression hit hard the day I was supposed to go the City and be fingerprinted for volunteering at the zoo. I couldnt do it. Soooo I am too screwed up to even manage one day a week. I couldnt even manage the initial process. I was manicky for a while and while I was I maxed out my credit cards (duh I have to pay for them now) . I also got all my bills organized , written out and sent out early. Unfortunately I sent them one day too early. Several of them hit the bank the same day my check arrived and they oh so kindly decided to bounce them all even tho all but one had cleared before that. So I had several $35 bounces charges I couldn't afford at all. This seriously messed up my finances. I havent bounced a check in probably 10 years or more So it will take a few months to recover from this blow plus its harder to do as I have to make all those credit card payments.... or lose the credit I worked so hard to get. "Someday" when my daughter is out of school and working and paying the rent I want to buy a car. If I dont keep up with these payments that will be impossible.
I keep hearing the song that was playing in my head while Torrey was dying. Its playing in my head now. I'd like to think that means hes close to me, but I cant communicate with him and that makes me very sad. All in all, life sucks for me at this moment. I know most of these feelings of hopelessness can be attributed to depression but I still feel them. I feel hopeless. I feel I am going to be sick (actively so) broke and alone for the rest of my life however long that might be. I can think of things to be thankful for, I really can but I cant FEEL them right now. I hope that one day these holidays aren't so damned painful. I really do wish that you all are having a truly happy light hearted Thanksgiving.

The little guy had his surgery this morning and since has done nothing but sleep with an occasional tearful waking up to drink some very watered milk. He is a milkaholic but they prefer that he doesnt have milk after a tonsillectomy, so we are just giving him very watered milk. He is a bit confused still and in a pain and tearful so its very hard to just say totally no and he wont accept anything other than his milk. We put his pain meds in it so I'm hoping next time he wakes up he will be feeling a bit better.
I'm going to be volunteering at the zoo soon. Monday I go get fingerprinted for the position. I will be feeding and caring for the animals which include two bears and a young mountain lion, bobcats, racoons, foxes, emu's etc etc etc. I'm hoping that as it will be working with the animals instead of the people I will be able to manage one day a week. It would be nice to feel as if I am doing something that matters somehow. I know taking care of my grandson matters but ......... it would be good to get out of the house and probably good for my self esteem to do something useful.

My grandson went to the doctor today and the doctor said its just a virus ( nasty one I think) and his lungs are clear so he is going to have surgery Thursday. Please keep him in your thoughts and my daughter too as she has anxiety levels that are thru the roof.
I woke up this morning with tremendous hip pain again. I am "hoping" that its because I worked out last night and not a side effect of the Risperdal. That is the reason I cant take Seroquel anymore, it started causing Parkinson's like symptoms. In other words my muscles would spasm and stay spasmed and I could barely walk. I have been doing better than I have in a very very long time on the Risperdal and I hope this isn't what I think it might be.

Well I still dont post enough. I always think of all these things to post and then never do it. I was reading Gloria Steinham and there is a part where she is talking about how to take care of yourself that I really liked. Many of us in therapy have heard "nurture" yourself and not known how to do that or what it really meant. Steinham says ask yourself, "what didn't you get as a child" Whatever that is, you need to give it to yourself now. I think its nice to have an understandable answer to that.
My Grandson is supposed to be getting his tonsils and adenoids out this week but he is sick so I dont think they will be doing it. Which is disturbing. When he gets sick he stops breathing at night and we have to shake him a bit and make him breathe. It would have been a massive relief to have that taken care of and now I dont know when they will do it.
I'll probably add more later as I think of stuff.
I bought a moped/scooter. All electric. Very green. I am waiting til after christmas to buy new batteries but I can wait. I paid $120 for it and I have seen similar ones going for $900-$1500 so I am satisfied even with having to buy new batteries.

in memory of

Mark Ramsey, (aka Dreaming Mage) its been two years and I still miss you dreadfully.
Love Raine

I was looking thru my old blog today for a picture to show a friend. I just scanned it because I am still easily triggered into grief.But I was struck by how much I used to write. I guess I felt more free to voice my thoughts when my whole family wasnt online. It used to be just me and I didnt have to worry about who might read what I had written. Whenever I got upset I would write about it. However sometimes I am upset by family members and sometimes I dont know if its justified or if its just me being bi-polar. I would vent in a safe place (on my blog) and get it out and feel some relief. Sometimes I would find that I eventually realized it was me and my illness reacting to others and sometimes I have found that I am justified in my feelings. Thats the bitch about being bi-polar. Is it real or is it bi-polar? I like to wait and give my emotions time before I act on any of them.
yesterday I took a friend to a military station bout an hour away to get an ID. My mom's house is on the way. I was going to stop on the way back and visit but when I called I had woken her up and she spoke to me in this voice.......... a long suffering, hostile, why the heck do you bother me type of voice. Soooooo being mega sensative, I didnt stop. My feelings were hurt. After I had been home for a couple hours she called in a happy chipper voice wanting to know if I was still coming. Nope I went home a different way and am already home. Thing is, my rational thats my mom when she gets woken up , way of thinking just doesnt prevent the hurt feelings. My daughter was talking to me in a shitty tone of voice all day too. At least thats what I felt. So i was feeling hurt all around. The my daughter noticed how depressed I was and that I was coughing and made me something to eat and cleaned up the kitchen, which is very rare for her. Am I the only one so sensative? I have posted bout stuff like this before but I really really dont know. It seems to me that every is snippy and they all ummmmmm take it in stride? People who care about each other that is? I cant. I dont know if its the illness or being over sensative or if I just dont fit in this world but it hurts me when people talk shitty to me. It throws me into depression and bed. I dont know how to grow a thicker skin ......... so ........ are you all able to snipe at each other and not be shattered by it?

Copied from the best of Craigslist

Tue, 1 Sep 13:22 PDT
From an Old Woman to a Young Woman
Date: 2009-09-01, 1:22PM PDT
1. You are not a victim. No matter what happens to you, don't take the pussy route and blame the world for your misfortune. If you were sexually assaulted, verbally abused, etc and lived to tell about it; take your pain and help those who need it. Writing emo poetry isn't going to solve anything.
2. Invest in your education first, your looks second. Anyone can pay a plastic surgeon to look hot, but not everyone can read a book and do simple math.
3. No matter what you call it, having a 'man to take you shopping' is glorified prostitution. He wants you for your body, you want him for his wallet. Cut the crap and call it what it is.
4. Do not seek confidence in other people. Magazines, celebrities and most pop influences are there to make you feel like you're nothing. Don't buy into it. Those celebrities need your money to look fabulous. Invest in yourself, not hype.
5. Stop fueling gossip mongers [Perez Hilton, TMZ.]. They have nothing to talk about and if you follow them for long, neither will you.
6. Be modest; why have all your goods unwrapped and leave nothing for the imagination?
7. Know the difference between fucking and love. There is a major difference and if you don't know it, pick up a book or ask someone who does.
8. Do not have children just because you're lonely or insecure. Your child will end up hating you for it and you won't get the emotional blanket you hoped you'd get.
9. Get a job. Seriously. Just because you're a woman doesn't mean that you are excused from work. Find a trade, get a job. If you are a house wife, be a good one. If you are a career woman, put your heart into what you do.
10. A respectable companion is rarely at a 'bar' or da club'. These places are meat markets and will only set you up for a douchebag or a wimp. If you go, refer to rule 7.
11. Learn to cook. Cooking is a dying skill that needs not be. You'd be surprise how much weight you lose and how you can get a decent companion if you know more than picking up a phone and calling for dinner.
12. Get off your phone. If it's not your best friend, your job or your family, your cackling is not important and the rest of the world does not want to hear it. Listen more. Talk less.
13. Stop putting so much of your money into things [purses, shoes, make up] and start putting it into a savings account, a 401k or an IRA. Those shoes are not going to vest when you turn 65. 14. Stop using men to get you stuff. Have some self respect and buy your own drinks, meals and entertainment. A date will respect you more if you show them you are not helpless.
15. Perfume and baby powder does not make up for good hygiene. Shower, do your laundry, clean your place. Body odor is not excusable for either genders.
16. If you are a Lesbian, respect yourself and stop trying to find acceptance in the world. 9/10 they will not accept you. Tell them 'fuck you' and be your own woman.
17. If you are a Lesbian, you are not anymore special or important than anyone else. You love other women and you have that right, but do not flex your preference thinking it makes you unique. Your mind and experiences make you unique, either gay or straight.
18. Buy clothes that fit. Be tasteful with your clothing be you big or small.
19. Don't eat for comfort, vomit to make yourself beautiful, and starve yourself to feel loved. Exercise, be sensible with your food choices, don't deprive yourself but never eat too much. The quickest way to a size 30, and to the grave, is past your teeth.
20. If they say the love you, ask them to earn your heart through good deeds, genuine kindness and respect.
21. Romance is not dead; but if you're not willing to give it, don't expect it in return.
22. Stop being a bitch to other women and other people. If you are not happy, go get therapy. No one deserves to be berated because you don't have the guts to berate yourself.
23. Do something new every day. Pole dance to learn about your sensuality, paint to express your creativity, write a blog to express your soul. Evolve and never stop learning.
24. Look in the mirror everyday and smile at what you see.
25. Stay safe. Learn to defend yourself against one or multiple attackers. Jackals do not attack if they see a big stick. If all else fails, run. There is no shame in running if it keeps you safe.
26. Love yourself. Always. When you love yourself to the fullest, the world will open with opportunities